A thinking partner

The thirty-eighth newsletter is about true support

I use communication and language to get what I want.

Or to get out what I want. Blurting, ‘sharing’, demanding and sometimes even commanding. Basically manipulating my way through the world.

Shooting from the hip, impulsive, unconscious.

This isn’t very remarkable because I’m far from the only one. Many people communicate, like me, on autopilot.

I really have to pause and actively choose another mindset when I want to show up differently. Only then is it possible to focus on how I converse. It doesn’t happen naturally, although practice does make it easier to shift into it.

Conversations usually are a means to an end, but the end is often fuzzy and undefined. How we behave, the language we use and how we use it is consequently haphazard at best, and confusing, obtrusive, or even harmful at worst.

We rarely think consciously about our conversations even though we have them all the time. Or maybe this is because we have them all the time, because we’ve grown up around them. Not noticing the water like the two young fish in David Foster Wallace’s ‘This is water’. As Wallace points out: “The most obvious, ubiquitous, important realities are often the ones that are hardest to see and talk about.”

Best practice

We engage in a ton of different conversations throughout our day. Respectful dialogue sprinkled with the occasional heated debate. Maybe some small talk, storytelling, or brainstorming. Lots of negotiating, a quick pep talk, a customer service call, some GPT chats, a job interview? Some sources even cite ‘dictation’ as a form of conversation. Seems very one-way to me, but I suppose many conversations are.

We intuitively understand that every type of these conversations has different objectives, rules, and best practices. But we generally don’t examine our own conversations (let alone use specific conversation skills), which doesn’t matter at all when the purpose is to chill, chit chat, or hang out.

But when there’s another reason for having the conversation, it makes sense to take a look at the way we’re having the conversation and ‘optimize’ our skills and attitude to match it. Streamlining how we behave, what we say, and what we don’t say with the intended goal of the conversation.

Supportive conversation

I teach workshops and a cohort-based course on a specific type of conversation that I call supportive conversation.

What’s special about this type of conversation is its purpose: to encourage learning, self-discovery, and personal growth of the person we are talking to.

So this type of conversation is extremely useful in any learning or educational situation. It’s also essential when you’re raising kids, or managing (or coaching) your employees so they’ll thrive. And, as you can imagine, it translates very well to all other types of relationships and social situations (supporting your partner, family, colleagues, friends, local community etc.).

Partner up

At its core, learning to have supportive conversations is about cultivating and practicing an attitude of being fully present with the other person and having no agenda. Which is not easy for us humans (read: me) with our problem-solving brains.

Where other types of conversations may be meant to persuade, entertain, or convince, supportive conversations build intrinsic motivation, foster confidence, and promote self-reliance.

This means that, instead of offering your opinion, sharing your expertise, or providing your solutions, you’ll be pulling wisdom from their inner well. Helping them think through, explore, and clarify their thoughts.

Because you’re focusing on their thoughts instead of on your own, you’re allowing them to lead and provide the direction of the conversation.

You’re a thinking partner.

“You have what you need, and together we will find it.” — William R. Miller & Stephen Rollnick

Although not every situation calls for a supportive conversation, having the ability to step into a supportive role at will, at any moment in a conversation, is vital when it comes to being a truly supportive human being.

Everybody needs a thinking partner, not because they don’t have what they need, but because it’s buried in their busy, overwhelmed, continuously looping and story-filled mind. We’re there to help them surface, organize, and examine all of that.

So they can clearly choose their own ideal way forward.

They’re at the wheel. We’re just helping them navigate. That’s true support.