Are we still friends?

The fifteenth newsletter is about breaking up

Have you ever been dumped by a friend? Not a girlfriend or a boyfriend, a friend.

I have, and it’s a harsh feeling.

With a romantic breakup, at least your heart gets broken and you can moan about it to your friends. Maybe there’s even some social cushioning, like ‘it’s not you, it’s me’.

But with a friend, what they’re really saying is: ‘I don’t want to hang out with you anymore, because of who you are as a person.’

Looking back though, I can’t blame them. At the time, I wasn’t being a good friend. Very much in my own world, only reaching out when I wanted something, oblivious to their needs. I didn’t realize yet that strong relationships take effort, and go both ways.

Since then I’ve been on both sides of the coin and I’ve ‘let go’ of people who weren’t being good friends to me because they weren’t considerate and supportive.

Last week I wrote about how I went from having unconscious friendships, to intentional ones. Having different friends for different components of my life, I’ve found that friendships work better when they’re functional and ‘needs-based’.

This might sound cold, but it’s really not. It’s an effective way to value the needs of your friends and it helps them to value yours. As Tim Ferriss says:

“When I am straightforward and sincere about my needs, I find that no one is offended when I say no. Those who are offended perhaps don’t value my needs.” — Tim Ferriss

What’s a good friend?

To me, outlook is important. Complaining, cynical and bitter people drag me down. They drain me instead of giving me energy. Energy I’d rather spend on other people.

This picture has become even sharper for me now that I have a daughter. I want to channel all of my energy into supporting her wellbeing and growth instead of spending it on people that don’t align with my ambitions and desires. In a sense, the stakes are higher. I intentionally seek functional friendships with people who energize me and ‘aren’t afraid of my flame.‘

“As Steve and I support our kids in learning how to cultivate meaningful connections with the people in their lives, we've always told them that good friends aren't afraid of your light. They never blow out your flame and you don't blow out theirs—even when it's really bright and it makes you worry about your own flame. When something good happens to you, they celebrate your flame. When something good happens to them, you celebrate their flame.” — Brené Brown

The consequence of being intentional about ‘curating my friends’ is that, when a former friend is no longer serving me, fulfilling my needs, or even hurting my progress, I have to walk away. Just like I was friend-dumped when I was younger.

Unconditional support, up to a point.

'You want the best, for the best in them' — Jordan Peterson

In coaching we aim to find and advocate for the best in people. This means two things.

1. We see all of our client’s potential in the here and now, even if it’s not currently manifesting for them. Supporting them unconditionally and believing they have the resources and strengths to deal with what life throws at them.

2. When we see that our clients aren’t living up to their potential, and could do something about that, we call it out. With support, comes challenge. Not just for the sake of challenging, we’re there to serve their best self. Not their mediocre, making-excuses self.

This takes a strong relationship, and guts. It’s risky to call out something that might rub someone the wrong way.

I would argue you should expect the same from your friends. If they’re not advocating for the best in you, they’re a weak friend. For example, if it’s uncomfortable for you to disagree with your friend about their [insert example… drug use, late night partying, not taking care of themselves], because you tend to avoid conflict, you’re enabling the behavior you’re not speaking up about.

Help them if you can, but don’t drown with them

Let’s say you’ve challenged your friend about not living up to their potential and you don’t see any change, sometimes it’s better for both parties to part ways. 

In a conversation between Jordan Peterson and Jocko Willink, Jordan talks about a way to look at the necessity of cutting ties with a friend: the lifeguard analogy.

I always think about it from the perspective of a lifeguard. If you're training to be a lifeguard, one of the things that you're trained to do is to approach someone who is drowning and panicking. And the way you approach them is, you put your foot out between you and them. And you push forwards with your hands with your foot out. And you basically tell them if they're flailing about: I'm here to help but you have to calm down. And then if they cling to you in panic, you push them away. And you think well that's pretty damn cruel, what if they drown? Yeah, what if you both drown? So you say, quit panicking I'll help you out, but I'm not drowning with you.

When someone is not on the side of what’s good for you and staying in touch is dragging you down, to cut ties is sometimes the only option. This is better for them as well, otherwise you’re enabling their behavior.

This might sound a bit heavy but it’s also true in less dire situations. When the people in your life are not serving your aspirations, and they’re constantly distracting you from your goals, maybe it’s time to break up. 

You can always soften the blow and tell them: ‘it’s not you, it’s me’.