Are you a conversational control freak?
How your unconscious communication strategies get in the way
How often does a simple conversation blow up in your face?
You start casually making a simple suggestion to your partner, and suddenly, you're in a full-blown argument. They feel attacked, you feel misunderstood. Your well-intended point spirals into frustration on both sides. You keep explaining, trying to steer the conversation, but nothing lands. The more you push, the worse it gets.
Whether it’s a talk with your partner, a meeting with a client, or chatting with a friend, many of us unknowingly try to force outcomes.
It’s normal, even instinctual. But what if this approach is actually the reason you're not getting what you want?
Survival skills
“No matter how brilliant your mind or strategy, if you’re playing a solo game, you’ll always lose out to a team.” — Reid Hoffman
I don’t love admitting it, but I used to be a master manipulator. And I didn't even know it.
We might not recognize it, but many of our attempts at ‘helping’ or ‘guiding’ others are actually rooted in manipulation. We have conversations thinking: ‘If I can just get them to see things my way, then everything will be better’.
Trying to control others when they speak, subtly (or not so subtly) manipulating people into seeing things my way, or even trying to convince them to do something—they were all part of my standard operating procedure.
The reason that conversational manipulation came so naturally to me was that I basically had been training for it my whole life.
In a way, we all have.
As humans, we're hardwired for survival, so it's no surprise that our communication strategies often revolve around control—doing whatever it takes to get what we want. It’s not that we’re inherently ‘bad people,’ it’s just the natural, self-centered way we’re programmed to navigate the world.
We aren’t taught communication in school (sadly), so from baby to child to adult, we experiment, copy others, and stumble through conversations, learning what works and what doesn’t.
But manipulation doesn’t work. It’s inherently a solo strategy and it’s doomed to fail in the long run.
When you realize that in life, you need others, you start to see how these short-term survival skills hurt you, rather than help you.
Letting go
“When people talk, listen completely. Don’t be thinking what you’re going to say. Most people never listen.” — Ernest Hemingway
The key to breaking out of our default mode of manipulation is changing our attitude from one of control to one of empathy.
When we communicate to convince, we’re not truly communicating—we’re dictating. This approach leads to frustrated, triggered conversations where both parties leave feeling unheard and misunderstood.
I’ve been there. Remember that full-blown argument from the intro? Yeah, I know it well. I used to be the one escalating conversations like that. It wasn’t until I began my coaching certification that I realized how ineffective this strategy was.
People want to feel heard, not controlled.
When I started using coaching skills in conversations outside of coaching, something profound happened. I stopped trying to push my truth onto others and started listening fully, without an agenda.
Instead of thinking about what I was going to say next, getting distracted by my own thoughts, or mentally checking out, I became someone who listens completely.
It wasn’t magic, it just required a simple shift: letting go of control.
This change isn’t about using the perfect words—it’s about shifting the attitude behind them.
Take a detour
So what’s the path from A (manipulative and controlling) to B (open, collaborative, and effective)?
Ironically the path to better communication is counterintuitive: if you want to stand a chance of getting what you want, you have to let go of what you want.
If you’re always trying to control the outcome, you’re guaranteeing that things won’t go the way you want, especially in the long run.
While I can't cover everything I've learned from coach training and working with clients, here are three actionable steps you can start using right now.
1. Intentionally pause before you speak: Instead of jumping in with your opinion, breathe and pause for a moment to consider how you can contribute without forcing an outcome. Can you ask an open-ended question instead? Things like: ‘What’s important about this to you?’ or ‘How do you see this situation?’ will work wonders.
2. Practice reflective listening: Focus on fully understanding the other person’s point of view first, rather than planning your response. Give them space to express themselves, and before you reply, make sure you've grasped their perspective. Keep them talking to uncover their true thoughts.
3. Trust the process: Sometimes, the best way to get what you want is by allowing space for others to contribute. Let the conversation evolve naturally, without forcing it. You don’t need to control the discussion for it to go well—in fact, the less you try to control, the better the results tend to be.
Communication is a game we’ve all been playing for years—but with the wrong strategy. When you stop being a conversational control freak, you're way more likely to get a good outcome by letting go of what you want.
Shift your approach, trust the process, and watch your conversations—and your life—flow in a whole new direction.