Become a relationship architect

The future of your relationships is in your hands

You are probably sabotaging your relationships without realizing it. 

Does the following situation sound familiar? You offer someone your best advice, only to discover it falls on deaf ears.

Or worse, it leads to a heated discussion and a major disagreement, driving a wedge between you and the person you were trying to help in the first place.

It’s them right? Not you…right?

I hate to break it to you, but probably not.

Most people assume they communicate well without any evidence. Or even with evidence to the contrary.

I know I did.

Getting some perspective

I used to walk around thinking I’m this awesome speaker. Great vocabulary, fast thinker, articulate, but even if I was, speaking eloquently and sounding intelligent isn’t the same as communicating well.

As I discovered later.

I went into my coaching training still thinking I would be this great advisor to people. Teaching them, instructing them, telling them what to do and how to do it.

I was looking forward to advising and sharing my great bank of knowledge and experience with my future clients.

It turned out to be quite different.

In the first month of my training, I found out how coaching actually works, and it blew my mind.

As it turns out, people tend to feel undervalued when their problems are solved for them rather than being listened to and supported to find their own solutions.

At first, I was somewhat disappointed. What should I do with all of my smart ideas now? What a waste.

But as soon as I got into the techniques and actually learned how to communicate with people in a supportive way, I was hooked.

Waking up

Apart from feeling attracted to this new way of communicating, I must admit I also felt a little ashamed. Looking back I realized I had been a pretty rude, blunt, and clumsy communicator before my training.

For years, I now saw, the way I was unconsciously communicating had sabotaged every one of my interactions.

The worst thing about this is, I didn’t even know I was doing it. Walking around like a conversational zombie, thinking I’m crushing it.

Maybe you’re also a zombie.

Here’s a little self-check you can do right now. If you ever hear yourself saying (or thinking) things like:

• I give people my best advice, but they just won’t listen.

• They resist everything I suggest.

• Some people just don’t want to be helped.

Congratulations, you are suffering from ‘delusional communicator syndrome’. It’s a real problem, and it’s hurting your relationships (and thereby your quality of life).

Flipping the script

“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.” — Matthew 7:12

How do you like to be treated? 

Think about the times you've felt truly supported and understood. Was it when someone was giving you direct advice, or was it when they were simply there for you, listening and asking questions that guided you to find your own answers?

Makes you think right?

To flip the script, what can we do to become better at treating others?

Well, you’re almost halfway there. Awareness is always the first step. Acknowledging that you might be sleepwalking through your communicational life and possibly hurting your relationships takes some serious insight and guts.

Ask yourself:

• How might my approach to offering advice affect the dynamics of my relationships?

• Am I contributing to a relationship where open communication, mutual respect, and trust are the cornerstones?

• Do I often jump to offer solutions, or do I create a space where others feel empowered to find their own answers?

Realizing that you play a crucial role in shaping the strength and depth of your social interactions is a pivotal moment. It was for me.

By shifting from advice-giver to question-asker, I found that the people around me started to suddenly ‘loosen up’. By simply respecting their autonomy I created a whole ‘new’ relationship with them. One built on trust and mutual growth.

It felt like a fresh start.

What’s next?

“The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.” — Stephen R. Covey

Everybody is capable of moving from an unconscious communicator to a relationship architect. 

This is someone who is intentional about the type of relationships they want to create in their lives, and takes action to improve their communication skills.

It requires making a shift from advice-giver to question-asker. This is the key strategy for building stronger connections.

Some next steps to consider on your path to becoming the best relationship architect you can be.

• Practice active listening and empathy (listening to understand).

• Cultivate the art of asking open-ended questions that empower others to explore and find their solutions.

• Reflect on your daily interactions to continually improve and adapt this approach.

By embracing your new role, you will build a strong social circle that values empowerment over direction, leading to relationships that are richer, more supportive, and genuinely fulfilling.

Making you a true relationship architect.