Empathy Vote

The nineteenth newsletter is about a two-letter difference

I have a confession to make. I’ve never really understood the word empathy. And I really should know what it means since I’m a practicing coach.

Sure, I’d heard of empathy before, but not until I was trained as a coach did the word really appear on my radar. I thought it was basically the same as sympathy, something to do with being in touch with other people’s feelings probably?

During my coaching training I was made aware of how ‘being empathic’ to our clients was important, but the term kept feeling muddy for a long time. I was never able to put my finger on what empathy is exactly, and why it’s different from sympathy.

The difference finally crystallized thanks to a couple of people (who I’ll mention below) and I now realize how important empathy is, what it means, and why the difference with sympathy matters.

Sympathy versus empathy

As with the sixteenth newsletter, it’s etymology to the rescue. I could have known that this is the first place to look for some clarification on difficult words.

Turns out the word empathy isn’t that old (1908) and has an interesting, relatively recent history. It’s a translation of a German word, literally meaning ‘in-feeling’. Originally intended to appreciate artworks and nature, and later extended to mean ‘understanding a viewpoint different than your own’. 

Sympathy by contrast is a little older. The word has Greek and Latin roots and can be translated as ‘fellow feeling’ or ‘feeling together’. Although the original meaning of the Greek word ‘sympatheia’ points to the relation between all things and is a wonderful concept, today, sympathy is often used to mean ‘feeling sadness or pity for another person’.

And this is where the distinction starts to reveal its usefulness. 

Sympathy (when defined as a synonym for commiserating or pity) is extremely unhelpful in a supportive relationship. Joining someone in their misery, or dismissing it by pointing out a silver lining only makes it worse.

When we’re confronted with a difficult situation someone else is facing, we often don’t know what to say or how to feel.  We try to make things better by being sympathetic, but in reality, we’re distancing ourselves instead of creating a connection. The one thing that could have made things better.

And this is where empathy comes in.

Brené Brown defines the difference as follows: Sympathy is feeling bad for someone, while empathy is feeling with someone.

In this animated clip she shows what a huge difference this makes in supportiveness. Additionally, she shares four very helpful attributes of empathy originally defined by Theresa Wiseman:

• Perspective-taking: the ability to see the world from another person's perspective and understand their feelings and experiences.

• Staying out of judgment: the ability to suspend judgment and refrain from making assumptions about others.

• Recognizing emotions: the ability to identify and understand another person's emotions and respond appropriately.

• Communicating understanding: the ability to express empathy in a way that conveys understanding and validates the other person's experience.

So, empathy comes down to understanding and reflecting people’s perspective and emotions, without judgment. Basically being a good listener. Now that I can do ;)

In a totally different field, former FBI negotiator Chris Voss talks about ‘tactical’ empathy and makes an excellent distinction that illuminates the difference between empathy and sympathy even more.

He defines empathy as: ‘understanding but not sharing’ [a perspective, opinion, or view].

In this clip with Lex Fridman, Voss explains how you can understand where someone is coming from, and communicate that with them, without having to agree with them.

For me, this makes the difference with sympathy even clearer. There’s no need to agree with, or feel for someone, as long as you make an effort to truly understand where they’re coming from, and can communicate that to them.

Practice

So how to implement this? Now that we have a grasp on empathy, what can we do to use this in our daily communication with the people close to us?

These are a few simple steps you can try at home, at the office, or with your friends.

Step 1. Relate.

Start by listening to their story. Pay attention to their feelings and listen with the goal to understand their perspective.

Step 2. Reflect.

Tell them what you hear (or even better, what you think they mean), in your own words. Include their feelings.

Step 3. Refrain.

Don’t start telling them how much you feel for them, or what you think about their situation. Don’t add your own perspective.

I truly hope you’ll give these a go.

Listening to someone and simply communicating that you understand their point of view, is one of the strongest things you can do to support someone in a conversation. No need to agree or sympathize.

Turns out I was using empathy all along, I just didn’t know it.