How I avoid being a bad parent
Five timeless principles that are never wrong
I love being a parent, but it’s also the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I have a two-year-old daughter and, as many parents will tell you, when she was born I was not prepared for it.
We did everything we could of course but when you finally hold that little creature in your arms and realize you’re now 100% responsible for her well-being, you start sweating. I sure did.
I say ‘I love being a parent’, partly because all of the hard times are worth the fun, sweet moments, and rewarding experiences a thousand times over, but I also love the act of parenting itself. I take it seriously and want to be good at it.
Luckily I’ve received some wonderful parenting training, but it wasn’t called that and it came from an unexpected source.
No manual
I work with parents a lot in my coaching practice and many feel confused, alone, and unsupported in their role as a parent.
And no wonder.
Parents are expected to know how to do their job without any formal training or support.
One of the most unpredictable, difficult, and demanding jobs in the world, and yet we act as if people should instinctively excel at it—how crazy is that?
There’s no doubt that parenting is the most important job on the planet.
It shapes future generations, influencing the values, progress, and character of society.
“As we bring up our children, we have to remember that we are caretakers of the future. By improving their education, we improve the future of mankind, the future of this world.” — Immanuel Kant
What stands out in comparison to this importance is the profound lack of recognition, respect, and resources parents receive.
Where teachers undergo extensive training and certification, parents, despite their critical role, receive no formal training whatsoever and are pretty much on their own.
So was I supposed to instinctively master the most critical job I’ve ever had without any guidance, support, or resources?
No I wasn’t. But, as I said, I was lucky.
My north star
I found the answer to the isolation, confusion, and frustration of my parenting struggles in the timeless principles of coaching.
Thinking back, it was no coincidence.
I spend the bulk of my days switching between the world of coaching and the world of parenting and over the last two years one thing has become very clear: I use many of the very same approaches in both fields.
A coach helps their client to discover their strengths, develop self-confidence, and navigate challenges with patience and support. By listening, showing genuine interest, and offering encouragement, a coach creates a non-judgmental space where the client feels valued and understood.
If you replace the words ‘coach’ and ‘client’ with ‘parent’ and ‘child’ in the sentences above, you would be describing how I’m showing up for my daughter pretty accurately.
Apart from how this benefits your child, coaching principles also help you as a parent.
Connecting with other parents often led to even more confusion, because of wildly different experiences and opinions. In these moments I could reliably fall back on coaching principles to find the connection, mindset, and attitude necessary to support my daughter in whatever came up.
Playtime
Ever since she was born, my daughter has found ways to play with anything other than her toys. One of her favorite activities is emptying our paper recycling bin onto the floor and (sometimes) filling it back up again.
However expensive and educational the toys we buy her are, it’s as if she doesn’t care one bit.
Whenever she gets a new toy, usually the box it comes in is way more interesting than the toy itself. For a long time her favorite ‘toy’ was a simple and humble empty toilet roll.
From the first moment that she started to play with household items like this, we have encouraged her and adapted to her curiosities.
Watching us eat with a spoon made her eager to try it too. So, we handed her a teaspoon. A bit messy, sure, but she got the hang of it surprisingly quickly—no lecture needed.
And whenever she does play with her ‘official’ toys, we make sure she can choose which ones to play with herself. Even when she makes a big mess and switches between them half-way through, we support her choices (and often turn the clean-up into a game too).
When she hits a road bump, we don’t jump in and solve the problem for her. Instead, we show her by example, and then let her try again, helping out until she gets it.
Five fundamental coaching principles
There are many coaching principles that show up in this little playtime example. These are the five most important that I see:
Positive regard: Unconditionally accepting, respecting, and believing someone’s inherent capability. Seeing them as inherently valuable and worthy, regardless of their current state or actions. Positive regard is about maintaining an affirming and non-judgmental attitude, this encourages experimentation and creates a supportive environment.
Belief in potential: Trusting someone’s ability to grow, change, and succeed. Having the conviction that they have the inherent capacity and resources to develop and progress. This belief helps stimulate people to discover and harness their innate strengths and capabilities.
Unconditional support: Offering encouragement without any conditions or expectations. This means being there for someone regardless of the outcomes, their performance, or their choices. Celebrating their efforts and progress (however small) without judgment, showing that you will stand by them through successes and setbacks alike.
Respect for autonomy: Valuing someone’s ability to make their own decisions and supporting their independence. Stepping out of the oh-so-seductive ‘expert role’, and our natural ‘fixing reflex’. This is especially important (and hard) if you (think you) know better.
Empowerment: Encouraging someone to take ownership and make their own decisions. Not solving their problems or coming up with solutions for them. This signals as well that they are capable of doing the work (whereas the opposite signals that they can’t).
Don’t parent, coach
Coach training provided me with the most valuable parenting lessons I could have ever wished for and they’ve deeply impacted how I connect with, understand, and nurture my daughter.
Coaches are trained to support people in their growth and they lean on many fundamental principles to do this effectively.
As a parent, you can borrow these basic principles to support your children's growth without feeling as overwhelmed and confused—let's be honest though, it's parenting, so there will still be challenging moments.
Turns out these principles work for tiny people just as well.