I cleaned my room so I could make friends

Taking responsibility is the first step to meaningful relationships

I was sitting alone in my room, behind my laptop, bathing in the cold glow of the screen.

I wasn’t doing anything meaningful—just scrolling, endlessly. My eyes hurt. I felt a little sick, the kind of unease that comes from knowing you’re stuck but not doing anything to change it.

I wasn’t just sitting by myself. I was alone. My relationships were distant or nonexistent. I had lost touch with old friends, I had avoided making new ones for a long time, and I barely saw my family. My girlfriend had left, and I didn’t blame her—I was not a great hang.

That night, as I sat there again, I realized this moment wasn’t just about me wasting another evening. It was a symbol for my entire life: passive, disconnected, and isolated.

The spark that started it

But that same night, still sitting behind my laptop, for some reason I came across self-help legend Tim Ferriss. I don’t know how, I don’t know why. But it sparked something fresh.

His ideas weren’t suited for my situation exactly, but they planted a seed: What if things could change? What if I could change them?

Soon after, I found Jordan Peterson and his mantra: ‘Clean your room.’ I understood immediately and instinctively that the message wasn’t about tidying up (though my room badly needed it…), it was about taking responsibility for my situation, starting with one small, manageable action.

Then came Jocko Willink, whose philosophy of ‘extreme ownership’ struck me like a slap in the face: Whatever situation you’re in—it might not be your fault, but it is your problem.

These ideas clicked together for me in a big way.

Ferriss planted hope, Peterson gave me a starting point, and Jocko reinforced the importance of taking responsibility for my life. Luckily, I realized it didn’t have to be life-changing—it just had to be something small I could actually do.

So, instead of my whole room, I cleaned my laptop. That was the first thing. It was tiny, like folding your blanket in the morning, but it mattered because it marked the first time I stopped waiting for someone else to save me.

That tiny act—a single choice—started everything.

Foundation first

After I cleaned my laptop, I felt a difference—a small one, but it was enough to get me moving. For the next couple of years, I stumbled forward. I was spending hours behind my laptop again, but this time I wasn’t scrolling aimlessly anymore—I was hunting.

I threw myself into researching how to feel better—cycling through an endless series of programs, supplements, and self-help hacks, hoping one of them would magically fix me. They didn’t. But I learned something else along the way: taking action is a good start, but it’s not the endgame. No external strategy can save you if you haven’t built a solid foundation first.

When I think about the years I spent chasing quick fixes for my health, I can’t help but notice the same pattern in how people approach relationships today. The advice is everywhere: improve your body language, memorize conversation openers, master the art of charisma. These might seem like solutions, but they’re not. They’re ways of avoiding the deeper work of taking responsibility for how you show up in your relationships.

I learned this the hard way: no strategy works if the fundamentals aren’t in place. The tools might look like the answer, but without taking ownership of your life, none of it will stick.

Responsibility comes first. Everything else—communication skills, finding your tribe, building a fulfilling social life—flows from there.

Without it, connection isn’t possible.

The rich relational ecosystem

Today, my life is filled with connection. I have deep friendships, mentors I admire, and a thriving social life.

I teach, coach, and collaborate with people who challenge me and inspire me to grow. I’ve built a rich relational ecosystem, where I feel supported, connected, and fulfilled.

None of that would have been possible without building the foundation, and taking responsibility for my situation, first.

That small act of responsibility set everything else in motion—my ability to connect, to (re)build relationships, and to create the social life I have now.

Without that first real domino, the other things I tried—every habit, hack, or strategy—would have been like obsessing over the paint color on a house that was barely standing.

Own it

If you’re stuck, if your relationships aren’t what you want them to be, or if loneliness feels like your default state, maybe it’s time to take a step back. It helps to consider:

• What responsibilities am I avoiding that might be keeping me from connecting with others?

• How am I relying on shortcuts instead of doing the deeper work to improve my relationships?

• How can I take ownership of my life to show up fully for the people I care about?

It’s tempting to keep searching, convincing yourself that the next social hack or rehearsed strategy will work. But deep down, you already know the truth: none of it will work if you don’t start with responsibility.

Responsibility isn’t glamorous, but it’s what makes everything else possible. Even now, when my laptop starts gathering dust, it reminds me: it’s not just the laptop I need to clean up—it’s me.