Making time

On the importance of figuring out what we want

My life is ruled by forces outside myself. Or at least, it can feel that way.

Taking care of my daughter, running an online coaching practice, building workshops and courses, part-time contracting, spending time with family and friends, my morning routine, the ever-growing pile of interesting projects. They all ask for my attention. 

Of course, I’ve chosen to do all these things myself, but they do add up to a schedule that can feel demanding at times.

And it’s totally fine that some or even most days are run by our calendars. As long as there are other days where we ground ourselves, come back to that inner center, and make sure we figure out where we’re going (and if we’re still on track).

Looking forward

‘So what do you want?’ my coach asked almost casually.

I opened my mouth but no sound came out.

Realizing that I had previously been rhythmically rattling off a bunch of complaints, my mind was suddenly blank.

I was grasping for an answer, any answer. Hastily running my fingers through my internal file cabinets, opening and closing files, but nothing came to mind.

Initially.

Then, given the time and the space (by my coach and myself) I discovered that I wanted a lot of things. A family. A thriving coaching practice. I wanted to teach, write, and enrich my social connections. All things that became a reality.

In coaching, this lack of focus on our desired futures can be addressed by doing what’s called a vision. Basically dedicating one or more sessions specifically to painting a clear picture of what we want and who we want to become.

A picture of the future that’s not necessarily meant to be reached, but meant to be reached for.

We often build all kinds of internal blocks and mental gatekeepers for ourselves and those can make it very tough to imagine an ideal future on our own. Having someone else present to help us think, imagine, and even fantasize about who we see ourselves becoming is really valuable.

Even just setting apart the time to do this by ourselves is worth it.

Answering questions like: ‘What do I really care about? What is worth pursuing?’ ‘What would I like to work on?’ Or even a simple ‘What do I want?’

How would I know if my calendar is filled with things that are important to me, if I don’t know what’s important to me in the first place?

Knowing what we want will inform who we will become.

Looking backward

With another coach (I’ve had a handful of coaches over the years) I worked for multiple sessions purely on ‘enjoyment’. At the time, I couldn’t find enjoyment in my life. Or so I thought.

We had established that enjoyment is important for personal growth and that for me, it lies somewhere on the border between self-care and purpose. To understand how to care for ourselves it’s important to know what we enjoy (and don’t enjoy), and knowing what we enjoy will inform in which direction we move forward.

I remember quite clearly the epiphany from our coaching sessions. A very simple and seemingly harmless question did the trick: ‘At what times in the past months have you felt enjoyment for a specific task, action, or activity?’

I suddenly realized that what was keeping me stuck in apparent non-enjoyment wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy things, but that I had an image of what I was ‘supposed to enjoy’ (be it culturally ingrained or otherwise). 

I had this subconscious program running in which I felt I was supposed to enjoy things like going to bars, partying, watching sports, eating out, drinking etc.

And there appeared to be a whole range of other things that I did thoroughly enjoy. Deep conversations, digesting and translating philosophical works, researching and working on my craft to name a few. I just hadn’t clocked them as being enjoyable because they didn’t match the previous image.

Noticing after the fact did the trick and I reclaimed my enjoyment by reframing my experience.

Time well spent

How do we know if what we’re doing is meaningful, intentional, and worthwhile? We have to check where we’ve been and where we’re going every once in a while.

We need to spend time deciding how to spend our time. There’s no way around it.

And although it’s yet another thing to put on our calendars, it’s a worthy one.