Not your guru

Why coaches need to radiate self-growth

There's a saying in coaching: 'You can't take your clients further than you've gone yourself’.

It’s often misinterpreted and might sound restrictive. Why wouldn’t a client be able to go further than their coach? We see it all the time. Isn’t the student meant to become the master?

True, but then we’re only talking about the outcomes. The numbers.

Whether it’s Max Planck setting the scientific stage for Einstein, Floyd Mayweather Jr. winning more fights than his dad and trainer, or Eminem surpassing Dr. Dre’s in sales numbers, these are all measurable outcomes. These aren't talking about the mindset, intention, and example these masters offered their protégés.

To me, psychologist Carl Rogers says it best: ‘The degree to which I can create relationships which facilitate the growth of others as separate persons, is a measure of the growth I have achieved in myself.’

The coach must always aim to go further in spirit, attitude, and the example they set. They need to radiate it.

I take this as a personal affirmation. As a coach I want to walk the talk and continuously cultivate a growth mindset. If I don’t, how could I ask my clients to do the same?

And I can still go a long way in improving my radiance.

Bring the energy

This idea was recently reignited for me when I watched the documentary ‘I Am Not Your Guru’, following Tony Robbins during his famed ‘Date with Destiny’ event.

I know Tony from way before I was a coach. When I had just started my own self-improvement journey he was there with his empowering programs and audiobooks. Because of those I’m familiar with his larger-than-life style of coaching and serving people.

But seeing the documentary totally re-sparked this thought of taking people as far as we’ve gone ourselves.

When watching Tony work on screen, albeit in a produced and televised version, it’s clear that the main reason why he’s so good at what he does, arguably the best, is that he exhibits what he asks of people.

Constructing helpful stories and shattering destructive ones, bringing the energy, work ethic, and honesty needed for the process of lasting change. You can see clearly that Tony does (and has been doing) all of these things himself.

It’s a big part of why he is so successful in asking the same things from his participants, and a big reason why it works. For them.

Show me first

I sometimes casually call coaching ‘having a supportive conversation’. So what constitutes the support in the conversation and what sets it apart from, for example, a conversation with a friend or a co-worker?

Many things. But one of the main things is the attitude of the coach.

Who we are being (in a session and in life) is doing most of the work. If we believe ourselves to be incapable of changing our futures, no matter the inspiring phrases that come out of our mouths, clients will feel the negative energy overshadowing the words.

We humans need to see an example before we believe something is actually possible. In 1954, Roger Bannister was the first person to break the 4-minute mile, which was long thought to be impossible. Since then, more than 1400 runners have done the same.

Tony’s lead-by-example attitude has the same effect. When he guides one of his participants through an empowering mental shift, the man has a visceral breakthrough. His shoulders drop visibly and Tony asks: 'What's just happened?'. He responds: 'I started believing you'.

Even though this philosophy has been part of my practice and my coaching style since the beginning (my coaching practice came forth out of my self-improvement journey), still, when I saw the first clip of the documentary a wave went through me of both optimism, excitement, and a tiny bit of fear (the good kind).

‘Do I need to be better?’ ‘Will I be able to continue growing? ‘Imagine how far I could take my clients when I go further myself’

Lending fire

There’s a very big difference between radiating self-growth and having a fixing mindset or giving advice.

It’s not about saying or portraying: ‘This is where I am at, and if you work hard and do exactly as I say, you might also be able to get here.’ That’s counterproductive to say the least.

It’s about doing (in spirit and intention) what they aim to be doing and let them to steal some of your fire.

This is not an easy nuance to grasp, at least, it wasn’t for me.

In the very beginning of my coaching training, I struggled to understand and implement this specific part of the coaching toolkit. I would only ‘get it’ later when I was having real-life conversations with actual clients.

Being the client

To ensure I’m going as far as I can (so I can take my clients there) I must be a client myself. I must do the work that I ask from my clients.

I must radiate the possibility I ask them to entertain.

The coach's spirit of growth and belief in his own potential overflows, it overflows abundantly, so the client can borrow some of it and cultivate more of it themself.

In Tony Robbins' case, his clients and audiences borrow part of his radiating confidence and they start to believe in that moment: ‘yes I can do this’.

This is what I’m talking about. From now on I’m aiming at a Robbins’-level radiance. And, although I’m not there yet, I now believe I can get there.