Proof that you’re trying

Let’s make feeling heard less rare

I recently got angry with my wife for telling me she understood me.

I know. Welcome to living with me.

But how was I supposed to know what she thought she understood?

“I understand” means nothing to me. Absolutely nothing.

You can say it with love. You can say it calmly. You can say it with your hand on my shoulder.

I want proof.

Please just tell me what you think I’m saying.

What proof sounds like

I can tell two friends the same thing:

“I’m worried my newsletter has become too heavy. I spend all week thinking and writing, but I’m not sure it’s useful enough.”

One friend says:

“I wouldn’t worry about it. People like your writing. You’ve almost hit 200 issues. Your readers appreciate your thinking. Just keep going.”

Which might sound kind and encouraging.

But I would much rather talk to my other friend:

“You’re putting a lot into it, and you’re not sure your readers are getting enough out.”

“Maybe. But actually, I don’t even think it’s about them.”

He tries again.

“You’re wondering whether you’re getting enough out of it?”

“No. I’m getting a lot out of it. It’s the main way I clarify my thinking.”

“So you still want to write it. You’re just not sure it’s worth the time.”

“Exactly. I’m building something for parents now, and these essays take a lot of time.”

He reflects that back too.

“You’re trying to decide whether it’s still the best use of your time.”

Yes. That’s it.

He didn’t get me right away. Which did not matter to me at all.

But I could hear him trying.

How would they know

Feeling heard is rare.

My coaching teacher once told me that for some of our clients, coaching might be the first time ever they actually feel heard.

Oof.

It hit me because, as you may have gathered, I care about this to a fairly unreasonable degree.

Have you ever felt truly heard?

I mean someone showing you, in what they say back, that they’re genuinely trying to understand you.

And how often do you make someone else feel that way?

Your partner. A friend. Your kid.

You may think you understand them. You may even say so. But if none of what they said ever comes back to them, how would they know?

They don’t need you to understand them perfectly.

They just need proof that you’re trying.