Put yourself first

Self-care isn’t selfish

Unless you’re a robot without any feelings, caring for people comes naturally.

The people you love, the people that you feel close to, you want to help them and take care of them whenever you can. It feels good to help others.

Maybe it’s even easier to care for others than it is to care for yourself?

In last week’s edition I wrote about how to become better ‘friend material’ by finding people with a common goal and improving your conversation skills.

I did however leave out one deeper aspect of being a good friend. It’s even more important than where you find friends and how you behave in conversations.

It’s about taking care of yourself.

You need oxygen first

Who hasn’t rolled their eyes at the lackluster smiles during the obligatory, often uninspired safety instructions on airplanes?

“Ladies and gentlemen, in the unlikely event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will automatically drop down from the panel above your head. To activate the flow of oxygen, pull the mask towards you. Place it firmly over your nose and mouth, secure the elastic band behind your head, and breathe normally.

If you are traveling with children, make sure to secure your mask first, before assisting them.”

But now imagine for a second that this would actually happen to you.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve hit some turbulence… [scrambled noises] we’re losing cabin pressure… [scrambled noises]’

Suddenly the oxygen masks are coming down for real.

How would you react?

Would you put the mask on yourself first? Or would you, in a state of blind panic, first try to help your child sitting next to you?

Honestly, I don’t have an answer.

In a crisis like a plane going down, it’s pretty easy to understand why it’s necessary though. If you can’t breathe, you can’t help anyone. If you attempt to help someone else first and run out of oxygen yourself, both of you are doomed.

When taking care of others in general, this might be less clear, but it’s just as necessary.

Self-care is not selfish, it’s essential. It’s what ‘putting the oxygen mask on yourself first’ means.

Looking after your own well-being enables you to look after the well-being of others.

Father and daughter

I have an 18-month-old daughter. Obviously I want to take the best care of her that I possibly can.

What this means is, I have to take the best care of myself that I possibly can.

If I’m not able to be present or supportive because I’m either tired, distracted, or in a bad mood, she will experience a direct downside.

So working on my own health and wellbeing is the number one thing I can do for her.

Now, a father-and-daughter relationship is clearly the strongest point I can make. I am literally responsible for her. But it translates into all relationships.

Your family, your friends, your co-workers. They all experience a slightly less good day if you’re having a bad one. If you’re having a bad year, they’ll definitely feel the consequences.

If you care about them, there’s only one thing you have to do. There’s only one thing you can do.

Care about you.

Fundamentals

Over the years, I’ve discovered some foundational habits that are part of my ‘system’ of maintaining my health and wellbeing. Simple (but not always easy) things like taking cold showers in the morning, eating what I know works best for me, and going to bed on time, and there are many others.

All of these things I do for myself, add up to a version of me that can take care of the people around me.

If I let these things slide for only a couple of days, I start to notice it big time.

And I’m not the only one who notices. My girlfriend and daughter generally receive the brunt of this. Crankiness, sloppiness, and not-being-present-ness are all symptoms of a lack of self-care.

But even my friends and my coaching clients notice when I’m distracted and absent-minded.

In my day to day coaching, I usually don't see clients before 10 am. The time before 10 am is spent on my morning routine (which includes breakfast with my family). To be 100% present, focused, and at ease with my clients, I need to have this time to myself so I guard it firmly.

Serving them means protecting myself.

How do you care for yourself?

“Putting yourself first is not selfish. Quite the opposite. You must put your happiness and health first before you can be of help to anyone else.” – Simon Sinek

Okay, so you get the oxygen mask analogy and you agree that caring for yourself is caring for others.

But what does self-care look like to you?

I’ve given you some examples of my life. But what if you’re not into taking cold showers?

Not a problem. You can care for yourself in a million ways, and how you do it, is up to you.

For those who could use some extra inspiration, here are eight forms of self-care you can think about adding to your life.

Physical self-care: Finding a type of exercise you like, going to the sauna, or getting more sunlight.

Emotional self-care: Journaling or looking into your trauma (seeking support from a mental health professional).

Social self-care: Planning quality time with friends or joining an (online) community of people with similar interests,

Spiritual self-care: Meditation, breath-work or spending more time in nature.

Intellectual self-care: Learning new skills, reading books, or listening to podcasts.

Occupational self-care: Taking regular breaks during work, setting clearer boundaries between work and personal time, or taking some time off.

Environmental self-care: Organizing and decluttering your living space or putting some new plants into your room.

Financial self-care: Creating a budget or investing in a retirement plan.

Of course, these are just examples and this is not an extensive list by any means.

Some of these you might like better than others and some of them you might already be doing. And I’m sure you can think of entirely different self-care habits that are important to you and suit you better.

The point is to find some and introduce them into your life. Make them your own.

Every little piece that you add to your self-care arsenal will go a long way towards improving your relationships, all of them. Starting with the one you have with yourself.

It’s the ultimate win-win, now you can be selfish and feel good about it.

If you don’t do it for yourself, do it for others.