Stop unknowingly sabotaging your conversations

How our assumptions lead us astray

“It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.” ― Probably not Mark Twain

Christopher Columbus was no novice navigator.

His extensive maritime experience was a key factor in securing the necessary royal backing for his historic expedition.

Still, misinterpretation of his compass and underestimation of the Earth's circumference led him to land in the Bahamas, which he mistook for the East Indies…

Illustrating that even seasoned navigators can be misled by their instruments and what they think they know, leading to unintended yet monumental mistakes.

The same is happening to you in your daily conversations.

You’re sailing blind.

Going off course

Settling for low-quality information is hurting your conversations and the worst part is, you don’t even know you’re doing it.

Does any of the following sound familiar?

• You often complete people’s sentences for them

• No one sees the brilliance of your advice

• It feels like people keep repeating themselves

• Your conversations often end in misunderstanding and frustration

• People act defensive seemingly out of nowhere

If so, you’re unknowingly repelling people.

Even though you have people’s best interests at heart, your existing conversational toolkit is making it hard for them to engage with you.

And it makes them want to do it less and less.

The problem is that you have too many unchecked conversational assumptions, and they’re steering you off course.

An unchecked conversational assumption is when you hear someone say a word, think you know what it means, and simply continue the conversation.

I do it all the time. We all do.

Obviously, we have to make some assumptions. Otherwise language wouldn’t work.

But it’s worth considering if your assumption level is calibrated low enough.

Because taking words at face value, thinking you know what someone means while they actually mean something else, will prevent you from truly understanding them.

You’ll be making navigational decisions based on an incorrect map and a broken compass while you’re convinced that both are state-of-the-art.

How it looks

“By assuming we know how a curve continues beyond what we see, we will draw the wrong conclusions and come up with the wrong solutions.” – Hans Rosling

The following example conversations show the difference between unchecked and checked conversational assumptions:

Unchecked:

• Peter: ‘I'm really overwhelmed with this project, it's eating up all my time.’

• Mary: ‘Sounds like you need a break. Why don't you take the rest of the day off? I’ve told you a million times, you work too much!’

• Peter: ‘Hmm, thanks. But that's not really what I meant…’

Checked:

• Peter: ‘I'm really overwhelmed with this project, it's eating up all my time.’

• Mary: ‘What do you mean when you say ‘overwhelmed’?’

• Peter: ‘I mean that the scope of the project keeps expanding, and I'm not sure how to prioritize. I think I need help figuring out where to focus next.’

In the first, unchecked, example, Mary jumped straight to her own conclusion, which was way off the mark. In the second, by asking for clarification, she had way more information to go on.

It clearly shows how even the assumption of one word can lead to an unhelpful, confusing, and possibly irritating conversation.

Thankfully, the solution couldn’t be more simple.

Just checking.

Checking their compass

“Assuming less does not make you naive, it makes you a better listener.” – Terry A O’Neal

Now that we’ve established that your low-quality information stems from your conversational assumptions, the solution becomes obvious.

You have to check your conversational assumptions.

It will make sure that what you think aligns with the person you’re speaking with.

Instead of looking at your own map and compass (which you should always assume are incorrect), you’re asking to see theirs (which by definition are correct).

Checking your assumptions leads to:

• Being able to be truly supportive in a conversation

• Better understanding other people’s perspectives

• Gaining higher quality information and being better able to navigate the conversation 

• Make people feel heard (which they will thank you for)

• A more productive conversation (solution-driven, time-saving etc.)

• A closer connection between the two of you

Checking assumptions transforms potential sources of misunderstanding and conflict into a constructive conversation and opens the door to understanding and trust.

In short, you’ll be a better listener and people will feel it.

How to handle assumptions

The simplest way to check your assumptions is by asking clarifying questions.

This allows you to ‘hit the pause button’ during your conversations, so you can calibrate your ‘instrument’ against other people’s, diffuse misunderstandings before they arise, and get clear on where to go next.

The immediate increase in understanding and connection is unmistakable.

Asking clarifying questions helps you to thoroughly understand the point and position of the speaker, and as a bonus, it helps them to clarify and better understand themselves as well.

This will not only lead to people starting to trust you, because you make them feel heard and they feel taken seriously, but you also get the satisfaction of having positively impacted the person you wanted to help.

And you didn’t even need to give them advice.

In practice

The practice of checking your conversational assumptions comes down to intentionality.

Before your next conversation, intentionally lower your assumption threshold.

Decide that you’re going to check your assumptions slightly more than you usually do.

How much? There’s no rule of thumb, but rest easy that it’s almost always beneficial to assume less and there’s really no harm in double checking.

Here are some practical steps you can take when you’re having your next conversation:

1. Slow down

When you’re listening to someone, you’re actually listening to both them and yourself (to what’s going on in your mind).

This isn’t a problem as long as you slow down a little, and pause before you jump to conclusions. Taking a breath before you speak does wonders.

2. Tune in

As you’re listening, scan for words that mean different things to different people (remember the ‘overwhelmed’ example above). Don’t worry, you’ll get good at this after some practice time.

When you spot a good ‘candidate’ (a word that could possibly mean something else to them than it does to you), move to step 3)

3. Ask & Check

Ask: ‘What do you mean by [insert candidate]?’ and wait for the answer. It’s as simple as that.

Make it a habit to ask this question often because every time you do, you peel back the layers of potential misunderstandings, creating a more nuanced and less misconception-filled exchange.

Making sure that you’ll end up in the real East Indies.