Talking isn’t easy

How reflection keeps kids thinking out loud

I recently took part in one of the hardest listening exercises I’ve ever done.

And I’ve done a few.

The exercise wasn’t even for me, technically. The assignment was for the other person to listen, while I simply talked.

Well, I say simply. I had to talk for thirty minutes.

Three minutes in I was already wondering what to say next. I heard myself ramble, repeat myself, pause awkwardly, even stutter.

Internally, I was scrambling: What else is there to say?

Why is it so difficult to keep talking?

Thinking out loud

Talking isn’t easy.

And when I say talking, I don’t mean telling a story you’ve told before, explaining something you already understand, or filling space at the dinner table.

I mean the kind of talking where you’re trying to find out what you actually think.

We talk as humans to think more clearly.

It’s fundamentally why coaching exists.

Clients rarely start talking with a clear understanding of what they think or feel. They start somewhere on the surface. They talk. They continue talking. Gradually, they uncover what’s underneath that first thought.

And it’s the same with my three-year-old daughter. And with everyone else.

We’re not talking to repeat what we already know. We’re talking to uncover what’s underneath.

And to do that, we need help staying with what we’re saying.

Keep it going

In coaching, this is where the role of the listener becomes interesting.

I used to think the main skill was asking good questions.

Questions can help, but they also interrupt. They shift attention away from what someone is already saying.

What actually keeps things moving is something else.

Reflection.

Saying back what you hear. Or what you don’t hear, but sense. Not adding something new. Not steering it somewhere else. Just offering back what’s there.

When done well, it doesn’t feel like repetition. It feels like continuation.

Someone says: “I don’t know why I get so frustrated at work.”

You might just say: “You’re frustrated.” Or: “Something about work is getting under your skin.”

They say: “Well, it’s not that I can’t handle it. It’s almost the opposite. I don’t feel challenged anymore. I’m just bored.”

This is what still amazes me. They don’t stop. They keep talking.

And they go deeper than they would have on their own.

The next sentence

It’s the same with kids.

When my daughter says, “I don’t like that she took it,” it would be tempting for me to respond directly to the sentence.

To explain, ask why, or reassure.

But if instead I stay with what she’s saying, there’s always more.

“You were still using it.”

She might say:

“Yes. It was using it for the house I’m building.”

She wasn’t acting possessive. She just wasn’t finished. And she was telling me in the moment, speaking it while thinking it.

It’s why reflection matters even more with kids.

Because you’re not only helping them keep talking. You’re helping them learn how to stay with their own thinking.

How you respond to their first sentence determines whether they find the next one.