The 80/20 of meaningful conversations

Nail your conversations by leveraging these two key players

What’s the opposite of a question?

Answer: a statement.

Among the many components of our interactions—like expressing surprise, giving instructions, or using fillers like 'um' and 'like'—questions and statements stand out as the fundamental building blocks of meaningful conversations.

Since they comprise the majority of our conversational toolkit, understanding their differences and knowing when to use each one can significantly enhance your ability to build connections and relationships.

What’s a question?

Well, that is one. Obviously.

But what exactly defines a question?

At its core, a question is designed to elicit information, stimulate thought, or prompt a response.

Beyond this basic definition though, the unique power of questions lies in their ability to open up possibilities, invite exploration, and encourage deeper thinking.

Questions can be simple or complex and serve many distinct purposes.

Closed questions, like ‘Did you like the project?’ require a yes or no answer. Open questions, such as ‘How did you approach the project?’ invite a more detailed and imaginative response. There are clarifying questions that ensure understanding and rhetorical questions emphasize a point rather than elicit an answer.

The power of questions is vast. Even a tiny question like ‘What’s important about that?’ can yield an engaging, hour-long conversation easily, and it can lead to a deep and profound inner reflection and new insights for the person on the other end.

A reflective state

A statement on the other hand is a basic unit of communication that expresses a thought. It conveys information, declares a fact, or states an opinion.

‘I feel good’. Is one. ‘You seem to love working on this project’, is another.

Many different ‘flavors’ of statements exist. For example, declarative statements (‘The meeting is scheduled for next week’), explanatory statements (‘I exercise regularly because it helps me stay healthy’), or evaluative statements (‘The book was a captivating read from start to finish’).

When the aim is to communicate meaningfully though, the one that really matters to us is the notoriously tricky ‘reflective statement’.

A reflective statement is where you paraphrase or summarize what the speaker has said (or what you think they mean) to demonstrate or confirm understanding. 

It often includes an element of the speaker’s feelings or experiences and aims to reflect the speaker's thoughts and emotions back to them, facilitating greater clarity and acknowledgement.

Examples: ‘It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated because your efforts aren’t being recognized’ or  ‘So you’re saying that you’re upset because you feel ignored’.

A reflective statement achieves multiple things: it shows you’ve been listening, makes people feel heard, demonstrates that you’re trying to understand their point of view, and invites them to keep talking, elaborate, and explore their thoughts more deeply.

It’s an extremely powerful tool in any conversation and if you do it well, people will feel it. They’ll say things like ‘wow, what a wonderful conversation we’ve just had’ or ‘thank you, you’re a great listener’.

Conversational GPS

So we’ve identified the two main arrows in our conversation quiver—questions and reflective statements—but how do we decide which one to use?

The key distinction between them is their measure of interference.

Meaning, how much the listener interferes with the talker’s train of thought. A reflective statement invites people to explore the current thought deeper while a question shifts the direction.

Even when the question is meant to clarify something, it’s still taking charge of where the conversation is going more so than with a reflective statement. For example:

Reflective Statement: ‘It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed by the workload.’

Question: ‘What specific aspects of the workload are causing you the most stress?’

Can you feel how the reflective statement openly invites to deepen the current thought, while the question shifts the focus into a (albeit slightly) new direction?

That isn’t to say that one is better than the other. It’s the combination of both of these conversational techniques in the right ratio that is extremely empowering.

Posing a few short, concise reflective statements so someone feels heard and is invited to explore deeper, and then crafting a well-placed, open question that helps them discover new and unthought possibilities is a powerful way to foster meaningful and transformative conversations. For example:

Talker: ‘I've been immersed in a groundbreaking project. It’s exciting but also incredibly demanding.’

Listener: ‘You care deeply about your work.’ [Reflective statement]

Talker: ‘Yes, I love what I do, but it can sometimes take over my life at times and cause a lot of stress.’

Listener: ‘It sounds like you're looking for a way to balance your professional and personal life.’ [Reflective statement]

Talker: ‘Exactly, I often find it hard to switch off from work when I'm at home.’

Listener: ‘What would balance look like? [Open question]

Talker: ‘Apart from setting boundaries it seems I would have to take winding down more seriously. This would benefit both my home life and my enthusiasm and energy for the project.’ 

When in doubt

A question can change the direction of a conversation, where a reflective statement invites to explore the current thread deeper.

But posing a strong, unconditional reflection can be challenging, especially when, like me, you like to be right all the time.

When you’re coming up blank, a simple question you can ask is:

‘What do you mean by [x]?’, where ‘[x]’ is anything they were just talking about.

For example, when your friend is talking about their new meditation practice, you could ask: ‘When you say meditation, what do you mean by that?’ or simply ‘What do you mean by meditation?’

It’s technically a question, but it has some of the same characteristics of a reflective statement. People will feel heard, are invited to explore deeper, and often gain new insights into their own thoughts and feelings.

Over the years, while coaching clients, training people in coaching skills, and having general conversations with friends, family, and colleagues, this is the one ‘hack’ that I’ve found to always work to instantly deepen connection in any conversation. For this reason I’ve been calling it ‘the magic question’.

Next time you're in a conversation that's not going anywhere, when things are getting awkward or you're um'ing and ah'ing your way through it, remember things could be different.

You can use reflective statements or (open) questions to get the best out of your conversation partner and form a deeper connection. 

If you do, it will feel like magic.