The antidote to being an asshole

Are your defenses hurting your relationships?

Think about the last time you were an asshole.

Even though we’d like to think we’re the angelic exception, no one is immune to this—we all have those moments when we’re less than our best selves.

It could be a snarky remark, rushing to judge someone, or maybe even a whole day where our ‘bad mood’ overshadows our better intentions.

But what if you’re the asshole more often than you’d like? And it’s taking a toll on your relationships.

You might think you’re doing just fine, but others might be avoiding you, making excuses to skip interactions, or going silent when you walk into the room.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. I’ve had people suddenly 'remember' an early meeting just to avoid spending time with me. I was more of an asshole than I’d like to admit.

But it’s a trait you don’t have to settle for, I learned.

Going from the asshole people avoid to someone they seek out is within reach.

Turned out, I was the asshole

“If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole.” — Raylan Givens (Justified)

I wasn’t always the miracle of supportive conversation that I am today.

Some people are born overflowing with natural empathy, with an instinct for connection, able to listen and relate with ease—but I wasn’t one of them.

To make matters worse: I wasn’t just born without these skills, I actively reinforced my own barriers.

Sarcasm, cynicism, and self-proclaimed introversion were my go-to shields. These weren’t just social quirks; they were defensive mechanisms.

I used sarcasm as a way to deflect vulnerability, cynicism to avoid disappointment, and the introvert label as an excuse to steer clear of uncomfortable social interactions.

Rather than helping me engage and forming meaningful connections, these behaviors ended up reinforcing a downward spiral, driving people away and sabotaging my relationships.

It wasn’t until I confronted these patterns that I began to turn myself around.

Turning myself around

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ― Rumi

I slowly began to realize that if I wanted things to change, it was up to me. For years, I hadn't really been taking care of myself—I didn’t even know that I needed to.

One day, I found myself sitting behind my laptop, feeling stuck, tired, unmotivated, angry, alone, connection-less, and fed up with the cycle I’d been trapped in for so long.

I decided to start researching, experimenting, and making small changes—starting with the big ‘needle-movers’: food, sleep, and movement. These first steps weren’t drastic, but they were intentional. They marked the beginning of reclaiming my life.

Pretty soon, I noticed an overall improvement in my well-being. Where I once felt confused, obsessive, and detached, I now experienced better mental health and a more balanced state of mind. I wasn’t perfect—my gut reactions still got the best of me at times (ever been irrationally angry at a kitchen utensil?)—but I was calmer, more focused, and more grounded.

While these changes improved my well-being, they didn’t address my social struggles. The real transformation there came almost by accident, when I learned how to communicate.

I didn’t originally set out to improve my personal communication. This was a lesson I discovered by coincidence, when I was learning to coach.

Communicating like a coach

Improving your well-being alone won’t automatically make people flock to you.

Sure, being in a better headspace and radiating less negativity helps not to repel them when they do get close, but truly connecting with others requires something more.

For me, that ‘something more’ was mastering effective communication. It became my One Ring to rule them all—binding people to me with ease, just minus the evil.

Before I knew it, I went from spending most of my time alone behind my laptop to building a thriving social circle and attracting exciting work opportunities. These connections didn’t just come from close friends but also from newfound allies—people who wanted me on their team or by their side, even if we didn’t hang out personally.

I dove into various learning experiences—coaching courses, writing courses, and emotional awareness courses.

Each was valuable in its own right, but the real game-changer was my heightened awareness of communication. This new perspective made it easier to connect, reach out, and engage in meaningful, curiosity-driven conversations with fascinating people.

So who’s the asshole now?

If you feel you’re not always the pristine image of openness and grace you’d like to be, or if you catch yourself being more abrasive than you intend at times, I empathize. I could still do better most days.

But here’s how you can start making real progress:

1) First, focus on your mental well-being. Before you can set out to improve your communication with others, you need to be in a solid (non-repellant) place.

This could mean incorporating small, daily habits that boost your physical and mental health or seeking support from a coach or therapist. You do you, but a solid baseline is crucial.

2) Next, take a hard look at your own patterns. How are you showing up in conversations? Are there moments when you’re unintentionally dismissive or manipulative? Are you giving advice out of reflex instead of giving people space to think out loud?

Reflect on your current tendencies and identify the communicational root causes for your assholism. It really does start with awareness.

3) Finally, invest in your communication skills. This doesn’t just mean spending money—though taking a course or attending a workshop can be incredibly beneficial—but also investing your time and effort.

Try practicing with friends or in low-stakes situations where the pressure is off. Maybe you can even find another asshole (read: friend) with the same goal of improving their communication and set up something together.

But even just doing it in your regular day to day conversations will help.

Focus on listening more than speaking, and experiment with how you phrase things. Even something as simple as asking open-ended questions (starting with ‘what’ or ‘how’) or letting someone finish their thoughts before jumping in can make a huge difference.

We all have our moments of being the occasional asshole—that’s just being human.

But you don’t have to settle for that and let it keep hurting your relationships.

Taking care of yourself, getting curious about your patterns, and putting a bit of effort into your communication will change your trajectory. It did for me.

And who knows? You might even turn that inner asshole into a pretty decent ally along the way.

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I’ll be working hard in the coming months (and years) to bring you practical resources to help improve your communication skills. If there’s a particular situation tripping you up or there’s something you’re struggling with, please let me know (in the comments or via DM). I’d love to hear about it and see how I can help.