The anxious middle

Decisions are emotional

I’d been looking forward to this day for a long time.

Nothing on the calendar. No meetings, no errands, not even laundry. Family out of the house.

A 100% free day.

I’d already been savoring all the ways I might use it. Finish that course I’m building. Finally dive into some AI research. Maybe even clear that long list of tiny tasks that had been bothering me. So many possibilities.

The next moment I look up, and it’s 9pm. The whole day is gone, and I haven’t even started.

I hadn’t done anything. Nothing productive. Nothing exciting. Nothing restful. Nothing. I just hadn’t been able to choose.

I probably watched some YouTube. I cleaned the kitchen, I think. Maybe I reorganized some folders on my hard disc? I’m not sure. Even if I did something productive, it didn’t feel like it.

And it’s not like I rested either. I didn’t relax, I didn’t binge any shows, no vegetating on the couch. I didn’t enjoy a single minute.

I just sat there. Tense. Paralyzed. Unable to move left or right, up or down. All because I couldn’t choose.

Distract to avoid

“Spend a handful of hours a day going fast. Crush a gym session. Do deep work on a project you care about. Spend the rest of the day going slow. Take walks. Read books. Get a long dinner with friends. Either way, avoid the anxious middle where you never truly relax or truly move forward.” — Charles Miller

That was me on that day (and plenty of others too). Not doing any work and not relaxing either. Just stuck in the anxious middle.

The best way I can explain what happens on a day like that is through something Louis CK once described (on Conan).

He was driving when a Springsteen song came on, one that hit a nostalgic nerve, and he suddenly felt a wave of sadness rising up.

His first instinct was to grab his phone. Just send a quick text. Or scroll. But instead, he pulled over. And let the sadness hit him full force, and sat there crying on the side of the road.

What surprised him wasn’t the sadness. It was the gratitude. For being able to feel something that deeply. And that made space for something else to follow: a profound sense of happiness.

I’ve done the exact opposite of that a hundred times. Not grabbing my phone exactly. More like opening a new tab, checking YouTube, or reorganizing the kitchen. Just enough to keep whatever’s coming up below the surface.

I never let the feeling in because without noticing, I’ve already intercepted it. Burying it under a dozen browser tabs.

As Louie says: “You never feel completely sad or completely happy, you just feel kind of satisfied with your products, and then you die.”

Voices

So what exactly did I get stuck on that day (and all the other ‘middle’ days I’ve had)?

It starts like this:

After an ordinary, unremarkable morning routine, I jump behind my desk with a fresh sense of the day, in a good mood, and totally unaware of what’s about to happen.

When my brain starts coming online and dutifully begins to list and weigh the myriad of options to choose from, it has no idea what it’s setting in motion.

Then, without warning, the first voice in the head drops their carefully crafted comment: “Yes, but which one of these is the absolute most important?”

Followed quickly by another one chiming in: “Well, you can’t ever know. You’ll never have enough information, right?”

And then the third one lands the plane: “If you get this wrong, you’ll waste your whole day!”

I don’t notice it right away, but something tightens. A jittery tension, like I’m resisting something. And I am.

I’m not avoiding any of the tasks themselves. I’m avoiding what the choice is trying to make me feel.

The fear of getting it wrong. Of regretting it. Of wasting the day.

So I keep hovering between small, made-up, distractions. Anything to avoid what’s underneath. My mind keeps circling the same list, convinced that the real problem is the choice itself. But it never commits to any of them.

And the day slowly slips away. I always regret it. Exactly feeling I was trying to avoid…

That’s the anxious middle for me.

Nap time

But some days I’m open to my emotions without effort. And I’m not even thinking about the choices I’m making.

When I’m with my daughter, it’s easy. She’s a kind of emotional gravity. I’m not reaching for anything to distract myself with. Not checking tabs, tidying, watching meaningless junk. I’m just there.

It’s like she pulls me out of all that noise easily, without even knowing it.

On those days, whatever I’m feeling just gets to be there. Joy, sadness, fear, frustration, they all visit.

There’s a story I heard about an athlete who takes a full nap right before competition. Not because he needs the sleep. But because he’s so comfortable going fully off, right before going fully on.

Wow. To be that relaxed before something that intense. That’s the kind of range I want in my emotional life.

I still spend time in the middle. But at least I know what I’m avoiding now. And most days, that's enough to feel what is there.

Even if it's the resistance itself.