The best tool to instantly deepen your relationships

Silence speaks louder than words

Take a minute to consider your funeral.

A bit grim I know, but humor me.

How many people are there? How well do you know them? Who’s giving a eulogy?

My biggest fear? Just a tiny group of people there, more awkward than sad, and the only person that reluctantly speaks starts by saying: ‘I didn't really know him that well but…’`

Yikes.

It’s what will happen when you lead a life with a high quantity of low-quality relationships.

Rewinding the clock to today, how would this look?

A lot of acquaintances but no real friends. A lot of work-colleagues but no close collaborators or mentors. ‘Knowing’ a lot of people but never sharing anything personal with any of them.

And chances are they’re not looking to you either to serve as their best man, be a godfather to their children, or speak at their funeral…

Needs

We all need people in our lives.

But every ring of our social circle has different levels of intimacy. From BFF and life-partner on the inside, to work colleagues, acquaintances, and peripheral contacts on the outer extreme.

And no matter what size entourage you roll with, at least some of those relationships need to be close.

It’s evolutionary.

Having strong social bonds used to be a matter of basic survival, but it’s just as important today.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development has found that people who have close, deep relationships tend to be happier and more fulfilled, clearly showing the impact of relationship quality (not quantity) on well-being.

Building deep relationships is still an essential skill.

You’re doing it wrong

”Silence is one of the most intimate things that two people can share with each other. Because it’s having a trust that you’re on the same page.“ — Lex Fridman

Needing strong bonds is all well and good but if you’re anything like my younger self, you struggle to actually build these closer connections.

You feel many of your relationships are (and stay) superficial.

People are polite enough. They’ll talk current events and the weather with you all day but they avoid talking about their personal life and don’t come close to disclosing anything even remotely vulnerable.

They don’t trust you.

Why? Well, assuming you’re not a complete jerk, it might have to do with the way you behave in your conversations.

Some of the most potent trust-killers are: 

• You cut them off when they’re talking

• You give them (unsolicited) advice

• You listen poorly, only to respond quickly

• You fail to make eye contact (i.e. you’re on your phone…)

• You ramble on about your own ideas

• You feel the urge to fill every bit of silence with talking

Basically, your focus is on yourself and you’re not shutting up enough.

And it’s not your fault. It’s actually the norm.

Schools teach us to articulate our opinions and how to debate, but not how to listen and empathize. Examples of poor communication are all around us in media, politics, and daily social interactions. No wonder we follow suit.

But if you don’t do anything about it now, that bleak funeral image gets increasingly more likely.

Why silence works

Luckily, change is possible.

I know because I was an interrupting, cutting-people-of-in-the-middle-of-their-sentence kind of a conversationalist myself.

Until I learned to get comfortable with silence.

Such an apparently simple thing as silence works so incredibly well because:

• It signals to people you're taking them seriously

• They don't feel rushed to 'get to the point'

• It allows you to make eye contact and pay attention to their non-verbal communication

• You hear more useful information

• It calms down your own thoughts

• You have a moment to ask a better follow up question

Before getting acquainted with the power of silence, I didn’t have an inner circle to speak of.

It wasn’t until I learned supportive conversation techniques as a coach (and discovering silence as a tool) that things began to change. I started practicing being silent more in conversations. Challenging myself to wait an extra second each time.

The difference was profound.

Have a great funeral

I could see people ‘change’ in front of my eyes.

Their shoulders dropped, they weren’t in a rush anymore to get a word in, they started to trust that I wouldn’t interrupt them or step on their words. Gradually they started to trust me with more and more of their personal stories.

I was surprised to be asked about my opinion on extremely personal issues, people were vulnerable and real with me, and I was suddenly trusted with ‘inside information’.

Apart from the quality of conversation going up (according to me), I was also included in more work-projects and social events. Not to mention improving formerly difficult and stiff relationships with family and old friends.

Nowadays, instead of lingering in small talk, we jump right into the deep stuff. This is what I had originally wanted, lots of deep discussion about life, learning, and sharing our struggles and successes.

Simply allowing people the space to speak allowed them to open up.

Who knew…?

I’m not going to lie, it was extremely hard in the beginning to stop my racing thoughts from bursting through my mouth hole.

But what started as biting my tongue, evolved into feeling at peace with silence and when I finally got the hang of it, the result was that my relationships started deepening almost automatically.

Practice your silence tolerance

“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” — Henri Nouwen

These deeper relationships can take many forms, including best friends, trusted colleagues, even your favorite uncle. And you can use conversations in all of these realms to practice ‘getting better at silence.’

Think of it as exposure therapy. Gradually getting more comfortable and familiar with a conversation falling silent. Realizing someone else will always step in and nothing bad is going to happen.

Here are 3 practical steps to start building some 'silence tolerance' in your daily conversations.

1. In the morning, make a decision to create (or extend) one to two moments of silence in today's conversations. Maybe even pick a conversation that’s ‘easy’. It will feel unnatural at first, so be prepared for that.

2. To start, ask an open ended question (start with ‘what’ or ‘how’ to make it easy on yourself). When the answer comes, don't immediately reply. Extend this moment of silence and trust that the second wave of the response will come naturally (and it will).

3. While you’re being silent (even when it’s hard work biting your tongue), apart from listening to the response, see if you can become aware of what’s going on in your mind.

Start using silence to deepen your relationships.

It’s not too late, but don’t wait until your funeral to be silent for the first time.