The reason people avoid you

How to become effortlessly inspiring

You probably don’t even realize you’re pushing people away.

I certainly didn’t.

I wanted so badly to help others with my brilliant solutions, that I was unknowingly pushing, persuading, and manipulating them in every single conversation I had.

I would ask people things like: ‘Shouldn’t you try meditation to help with your stress?’, or ‘Why don’t you try not eating carbs for a while?’, or ‘Can’t you just confront your team leader about her poor communication? I’m telling you, it’s only going to get worse.’

I was used to interrogating people, armed with my agenda. I tried to push them to accept my beliefs or at least steer them into the direction I wanted.

Conversations felt exhausting (for both parties I’m sure) because the other person couldn’t see my ‘obvious solution’.

As a result, people weren’t exactly lining up for my counsel…

It was hard to make friends. When my colleagues got together, I wasn’t invited. My professional life felt stagnant. Nowhere could I find the connection I so desperately sought.

I felt this way for years until I realized that my ‘efforts’ were actually the problem.

I was so tied to sharing my perspective (which resulted in me unintentionally manipulating people) that it actually blocked any progress in my relationships.

It explains the lack of growth I was feeling all around.

Please need me

There’s a reason why not being needed feels bad.

We all want to be (and feel) connected, even if we’re not always aware of it.

We need others, and we need others to need us.

Unintentional manipulation drains the life out of your relationships, leaving them empty of genuine connection and trust.

This isn’t surprising, because people don’t like to be manipulated. 

Few people admire Kim Jong-un’s oppressive ruling, while Nelson Mandela’s inspiring attitude captivated us all.

Who wouldn’t want to be the person that everybody is naturally drawn to?

Secret weapon

We are drawn to people who make us feel valued, heard, and seen.

Unintentionally manipulating people does the exact opposite of all those things. But when you stop, something surprising happens.

You go from being unintentionally manipulative to effortlessly inspirational.

I’m not saying I turned into a regular Mandela overnight, but I sure am doing a lot better in terms of being needed.

I realized that the key to being needed by others, is to avoid asking biased, suggestive, and self-serving questions.

Instead, I had to get curious on their behalf. Asking myself: ‘How could this question benefit them?’

This is the secret weapon for getting people to eagerly seek your counsel.

Turns out there are bad questions

Having changed my MO, I now realize that my unintentional manipulation was caused by asking bad questions.

There are two main bad questions that I look out for nowadays.

Closed questions and leading questions.

Eliminate these and you’ll soon become a people magnet.

1. Closed vs. open

Closed questions ask for a short, specific answer (often yes or no), whereas open questions invite broader more detailed responses, encouraging exploration. Here’s an example:

Closed: Did you feel confident during the presentation?

Open: How did you feel during the presentation?

2. Leading vs. neutral

Leading questions are phrased in a way that suggests or implies a specific answer, often directing toward a desired response whereas neutral questions are open-ended and framed in an unbiased way. They can take the conversation in any direction and facilitate genuine and unguided responses. Here’s an example:

Leading: Don’t you think that more visuals would have made your presentation better?

Neutral: What impact did the visuals have on your presentation?

I don’t know about you but in both the closed and leading examples I feel the difference quite strongly right away.

The closed question feels restrictive and the leading question almost feels like an attack. Whereas the open and neutral ones immediately inspire me to start exploring some answers.

Changing the questions you ask is the antidote to being unintentionally manipulative.

Your questions will stop steering people towards your conclusion and will instead invite them to find an answer within themselves.

Once they find it, they'll be inspired, and they'll attribute that inspiration to you.

Being effortlessly inspirational

It’s an interesting feeling when people start reaching out to you.

Asking to set up meetings, calls, and consultations. Looking for your opinion, inviting you to business opportunities and events. Enjoying your presence.

I could get used to this.

Since I shifted my style, I noticed an increase in ‘requests’ in pretty much all dimensions of my relationships.

I grew closer to my dad who was suddenly ‘more receptive’, I was invited to new and exciting professional collaborations, and I naturally began forming a new network of interesting and supportive friends.

Nowadays, conversations feel better in the moment, I’m more present, and people even thank me for the interaction, that was never the case before.

By employing open and neutral questions, people will be lining up for your counsel.

Question craft

An easy way to make yourself drop your agenda and stop unintentionally manipulating is by focusing on your ‘question craft’.

Here’s some light homework:

Don’t change anything yet.

Just focus on gaining some awareness in your conversations. Listen to yourself speak.

When you hear yourself blurting out a question, pay attention.

Listen to how you’re phrasing it.

Was it closed or open? Was it leading or neutral?

Discovering the pattern of how you currently ask questions is a powerful start to changing how you articulate them later on, and it’s the start to becoming effortlessly inspiring.