Why you’re not inner circle material yet

How to become someone’s go-to person

Has this ever happened to you?

You talk to someone you’ve known for a long time. You ask them how they are and they say ‘good’ or ‘fine’ or some other standard reply.

Because these generic responses are so common you think nothing of it, but a month later you hear from a mutual friend that they’re going through something difficult (something big like a breakup, a health scare, or getting fired). 

While you feel for them, you can’t help but feel excluded.

Why didn’t they tell you?

Apparently you’re not one of the people they entrust with issues that really matter.

It’s a painful but important sign that you're not giving them what they need.

Why you want to be in the inner circle

I had this exact problem not that long ago.

I had no clue how to support someone who was facing real challenges in their life.

I didn’t know how to be patient, understanding, or compassionate. The only thing I persistently offered them was my solution. 

In fact, I couldn’t wait to jump on someone else's challenge to quickly (and insensitively) point out all of the ways they should fix their issues with an attitude of ‘how haven’t you figured this out already?’

After displaying my idea of ‘helping’, people soon learned not to come to me with their problems and they simply stopped bringing them up to me.

The depth of my relationships suffered. I could feel I was on the outside looking in, but I didn’t know how to get closer.

When you don’t know how to support someone, you’re missing out on a big part of the relationship. The most meaningful part. The part that makes human connection so valuable. 

Intimacy.

The reason people don’t come to you with their problems and don’t share their intimate issues with you, is that they assume you won’t be able to support them in the way they need you to.

And they’re right.

Maybe you find it hard to talk to people when they’re dealing with something difficult and you avoid difficult topics whenever you can. Maybe you are primed to give unsolicited advice too often when someone just wants you to listen.

Well then, maybe you can’t really blame them for not inviting you into their world.

Not everyone is naturally supportive

Don’t get me wrong, supporting someone in conversation doesn’t come easy to everyone.

We all know those naturally nurturing people who instinctively provide a shoulder to cry on, offer a comforting embrace, or listen attentively.

I’m not one of those naturals.

I struggled with being supportive for the longest time and I must have missed out on many opportunities to deepen relationships because of it.

Until I got trained as a coach later in life.

As children, when we learn our native language by copying the people around us, we also pick up their conversational patterns and they're, ahem, not always supportive…

And sadly, we don’t learn supportive conversational techniques in school (yet!).

So it makes sense that you’re not the best communicator you can be. Here are some telltale signs that you need to make a change:

• You receive signals that you’re not being supportive (conversations stay superficial)

• Your conversations often end in heated debates

• Your advice doesn’t change from one person to another (a sign you’re not listening).

• You don’t know where to go in conversations or how to support someone’s process

• You have difficulty seeing other people’s perspective

• You find yourself stressed out because you feel like you have to say something smart (hint: you don’t)

If you feel a little too intimately familiar with any of these, chances are you need to become a better supporter, like I did.

How to be invited in

The way into someone’s inner circle is to be the best conversational supporter you can be.

To do that, you need to realize that in conversations, we primarily engage in two fundamental activities: making statements and asking questions.

Because they both have distinct features and functions, knowing the difference is a simple but powerful conversational tool.

Instead of randomly meandering through your conversations, knowing when to pull what lever will help you structure and guide a conversation and it will make being supportive way easier.

It will help you understand how to pace a conversation, when to nudge, and when to step back.

The first component: making reflective statements

Stating what you’ve heard someone say or what you think they mean (i.e. a reflective statement) does two things extremely well:

1. It makes people feel heard and understood

2. It invites them to deeper explore their thoughts

For example, ‘It sounds like you felt really overwhelmed by that’, ‘You seem excited about this opportunity’, or ‘You’re considering several options’.

These statements are vital. If people don’t feel heard, they won’t feel supported. Restating what you think they meant also gives people a chance to hear how things land so they have the option to adjust and refine what they said before.

The second component: questions

Asking a question, especially a well-put one, has the ability to do two other things very well:

1. Clarify something that was said

2. Challenge their assumptions, beliefs, and perspectives

For example, ‘What’s important about this for you?’, ‘How would you approach this in the future?’ or ‘What is holding you back?’

Questions are ideal to engage someone to examine and challenge their thinking, and clarify for themselves what they really mean.

A conversation with only reflective statements would be dull and unengaging but using only questions would turn into an interrogation.

Weaving both into a conversation is the first step to becoming an excellent conversational supporter.

Becoming their go-to person

“What people really need is a good listening to.” — Mary Lou Casey

The better you get at pulling these levers, the more they will feel heard, supported, and challenged (in a good way).

And this will reflect on you. You’ll be the friend they come to when they need some support.

• You'll start to be the first person who's council they seek

• You'll feel at ease throughout the conversation because you’ll always know where to go next

• You'll find yourself having to manage your time because people won't be able to stop talking to you.

I’ve seen this happen in my own life. People feel that they can express themselves honestly and be vulnerable around me, they even search me out for it.

Because of this, I’ve been able to cure my intellectual loneliness and have more than enough people to explore passions, collaborate, and hang out with. I’m also closer to my family than ever and on top of all that, I feel that I have this secret superpower in my pocket to connect with anybody if I want to.

Start here

Practice using both reflective statements and questions in your next conversation with a friend, partner, or colleague.

• Step 1) It starts with intention. Begin by genuinely listening to understand, not just to respond. This sets the stage for knowing when to reflect back what you've heard or ask a question.

• Step 2) Become aware of what the ‘feel’ of the conversation is. Are you rushing or dozing off? Does the conversation feel like an interrogation? How many questions are you asking vs. reflective statements?

• Step 3) Alternate Intentionally: Consciously decide when to ask a question and when to reflect. 

• Step4) Feedback and Adjust: Encourage feedback from your conversation partners on how they felt during the exchange. Use this feedback to refine your approach in the future.

It’s very rare in today’s world to be given this space and attention and when you engage in this practice you’ll feel yourself giving a real gift to people.

A rare gift that people are starving for.

No wonder they’ll seek you out when you get the hang of it.