You need to make friends
Friendship is a skill
“Rare as is true love, true friendship is rarer.” — Jean de La Fontaine
Most of us grow up believing two big lies about making friends: that it’s effortless, and that you’re either good or bad at it.
For me, these beliefs started early and stuck with me as I grew up. When I was young, I just found people I liked and we stuck together. No effort required.
Later in life, when making new friends didn’t come naturally, I just assumed I wasn’t built for it.
For years, I avoided putting myself out there, convinced I wasn’t a ‘people person.’ I stayed on the sidelines, waiting for friendships to happen and gave up when they didn’t, thinking it wasn’t something I could improve.
But I was wrong. And I’ve come to realize these beliefs are exactly why so many people feel lonelier than ever.
The trouble with friendship
Making friends and having strong, lasting relationships is one of the most essential parts of a fulfilling life, yet most of us don’t know how it really works.
I certainly didn’t.
When I was young, it didn’t even cross my mind. Friendships just happened. I was ‘around’ certain people—in my neighborhood, at preschool—and some of them became friends, simply because we saw each other often. Time and location seemed to matter more than intention.
In school, it felt just as automatic. You sat next to the same people in class, and friendships formed. I assumed that’s how it worked—effortless.
But as I got older, that scaffolding of proximity disappeared. For the first time, I realized friendships didn’t just happen—they required real effort. And I wasn’t ready for that.
Suddenly discovering that it was tough to actively make friends, I started to believe that maybe I just wasn’t the kind of person who was good at friendship.
Out of school and into the real world, some people naturally seemed to attract and effortlessly connect with others, while I felt awkward and unsure of how to reach out—awkward at parties, leaving early, that sort of thing. I figured I just wasn’t a ‘people person.’
These two beliefs—that friendship should come easily, and that you’re either built for it or not—kept me stuck for a long time.
Loneliness crept in and for years, I thought it was just something I had to accept.
The real problem
It’s not just me.
Loneliness is everywhere. I see it in the people I coach, in friends who admit they wish they had deeper connections, and in how often a quick message replaces a call or an in-person meet-up.
And the numbers back it up. According to the American Perspectives Survey, the percentage of men reporting no close friends rose from 3% in 1990 to 15% in recent years. That’s a fivefold increase.
It’s tempting to blame the effect of work demands, the remnants of the pandemic, or social media on how we make friends, and while those things don’t help, they’re not the real issue.
The problem is how we think about and frame friendship.
When we believe it should happen effortlessly—or that we’re just ‘bad at people’—we give up before we even try. I did this and it kept me stuck.
Until I stumbled into something that changed how I approached friendship.
Friendship is a skill
“You’re under no obligation to be the same person you were 5 minutes ago.” — Alan Watts
If the ability to make friends doesn’t come naturally to you, don’t worry.
While some people are instinctively gifted at relating and connecting with others, if you’re not that person, it can feel like a life sentence. But it’s not.
Making friends is a skill. And like any skill, it can be learned, practiced, and mastered.
I didn’t realize this until I started learning communication skills as part of my coach training. At the time, I wasn’t even thinking about friendship. I just wanted to get better at listening, asking questions, and having more meaningful conversations, for the purpose of serving my clients.
But something unexpected happened. As I practiced these skills, my relationships changed. I grew closer with the friends I had, and it felt easy to connect with new people and turn those connections into friendships. I almost felt myself becoming ‘more outgoing’ or at least more at ease in social situations, looking to connect rather than to flee the scene.
This confidence boost was surprising and exciting. I started reaching out more, making plans instead of waiting for an invitation, and showing up for people in ways I hadn’t before.
Most importantly, I stopped assuming friendships were out of my control entirely. I stopped waiting for them to magically improve and started putting in the work. I started to understand that making and maintaining friendships does take effort, but it’s not the exhausting kind.
I became another person.
Friendship isn’t a fixed trait. You can decide to be better at it—and then take steps to make it happen.
Why it’s worth it
“For without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods.” — Aristotle
So, why bother? If friendship takes so much effort, what’s the payoff?
Simple: everything gets better when you have meaningful friendships.
Not only in measurable ways like the effect on your health (reportedly loneliness can be as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes a day), but also in ways that can touch every part of your life—if you’re willing to let them.
For me, friendships made social settings less intimidating—I went from avoiding conversations to seeking them out. I found people that I could lean on for both support and to celebrate wins with. Most importantly, they cured the intellectual loneliness I hadn’t even realized I was carrying. I finally had those long, deep conversations I’d been craving for years.
It doesn’t take dozens of people to change your life like this either. Just three or four close friends—people you can count on—can make all the difference.
I used to think I didn’t need this. I told myself I was doing ‘fine’ being on my own. But when I finally started prioritizing friendships, my life opened up and I unexpectedly proved myself wrong.
My social circle is now one of my highest priorities and not something I leave to chance anymore.
The friendship spectrum
How would you describe your friendships right now?
Do you sometimes feel intellectually lonely—like you’re craving conversations that go beyond the surface?
Are you surrounded by acquaintances but yearning for something deeper?
Have you let some friendships fade because life got in the way—or because you didn’t know how to reconnect?
Do you feel like you have plenty of ‘friends’ but no one you’d truly call in a crisis—no one who really understands you?
Friendship might feel rare, but that’s because it takes effort—not because it’s out of reach.
The work of building real friendships—showing up, reaching out, having meaningful conversations—isn’t effortless, but the effort is worthwhile.
It’s called making friends for a reason.