You’re socially out of shape

Why aren’t you training your social muscles?

Social atrophy is real. And you might not even realize you’ve been losing muscle.

There were a couple of years where I barely socialized. I wasn’t in a great place mentally, and slowly pulled back from the people in my life.

When I re-entered the world again, I felt socially stiff, rusty, and out of shape.

But it wasn’t just that I was out of practice. I discovered that I’d never really trained at all.

Use it or lose it

I only recently came across the term “social atrophy”, and realized it was exactly what had happened to me.

Not only had I been sitting socially still for a while, I had no base strength to begin with, so my social fitness was basically non-existent.

Conversation (never mind connection) had become something I could technically still do, but not without effort and strain.

To my surprise, social atrophy isn’t just a nice buzz word, the social skills we lose when we stop connecting are alarmingly real.

Researcher Craig Haney studied people in solitary confinement and found that they didn’t just suffer mentally, they actually forgot how to interact. Even fundamental skills like the ability to pick up on social cues declined.

That’s some scary shit. Now, we’re not in solitary confinement, but looking at how people can go days without real connection, we might be moving closer to that kind of social frailty than we think.

Let’s just say I mean to keep exercising.

Social reps

We all live more digitally now.

Sometimes our digital life is just as social, but often it isn’t. And it’s almost always less spontaneous. We send voice notes instead of showing up, or even calling. Even when you spend a lot of time in online communities (like I do), the reps can drop off fast.

Because just like walking to the fridge isn’t a leg workout, texting someone isn’t the same as training your social muscles.

You might think the way to connect more is to “just get out more,” but connection doesn’t come from doing more. It comes from doing it on purpose.

That’s what makes it a rep: doing it with intention.

It can be as small as asking a more generous question, listening before replying, or trying to understand what someone’s really saying.

These are all reps. And that’s how you train.

But most of the time, we don’t. It’s easier to take the social elevator instead of the stairs.

And if you’re not training, you’re shrinking.

Where my training started

And oh boy, was I untrained. I didn’t even know I should have been.

When I signed up for coach training, it wasn’t to become more social. I was aiming to kickstart a profession: become a certified coach. But it turned out to be the most social experience (and training) I’ve ever had.

More than a year of multiple practice conversations a week. Social exercise was baked into every call. I trained to listen, respond, reflect, be silent, stumble, and grow. Every session was a multitude of reps. A full workout, if you will.

At first, I felt clunky throwing the weights around, feeling the micro-tears of my atrophied social muscles. But slowly, I started building range of motion.

And then it started spilling over. To conversations with friends, family, and new connections. I realized I wasn’t socially hopeless, I was just untrained.

Build social strength

I didn’t plan to become socially skilled, but that’s exactly what happened. And now, that’s what I help others do.

Coach training was basically a rep-based, feedback-rich bootcamp in connection. It didn’t just start my coaching career, it reshaped my social life.

These days, I’m still training. Just on a maintenance level. Not in a classroom anymore, but in everyday conversation: with clients, friends, other creators, family. Every chat is a potential rep.

Sure, some people are more socially inclined. But nobody’s immune to atrophy. Stop practicing, and you lose strength.

Social ease isn’t a personality trait. It’s a skill. It’s muscle memory. And it fades if you don’t use it.

You don’t need to be a bodybuilder to become socially strong, you just need to train.

Luckily, it’s very trainable. There are plenty of ways to train, from structured settings to subtle, everyday reps. Online courses, feedback-based writing circles, even walking catch-ups with a colleague. They’re there if you look.

The reps don’t have to be big: a selfless question, a longer pause, a clearer intention to connect.

Every small rep counts if you do it on purpose.

Social strength isn’t just for the naturally gifted. It’s something you build. Rep by rep.