Agreeing with Steve Chandler

The twenty-eighth newsletter is about something unexpected

‘Goddamnit.’ I hear myself say out loud.

I turn the little handle but no water comes out of the water filter. Again.

‘Why am I always the one who has to fill this damn thing?’ ‘Why can’t she ever do it?’ ‘Is that too much to ask?’

It’s the umpteenth time this week that I go to get some water and it’s empty. I don’t mind filling the thing but it takes at least 15 minutes for it to filter through. I’m pissed.

Yes folks. Real problems. This is what I have to deal with, my girlfriend not filling our water filter. 

Pity me?

Of course not. I’m being the asshole here. Luckily this was years ago and this isn’t me anymore.

I’ve been working on myself since then and I’ve come to learn that expecting things from other people isn’t helpful. Ever. It is toxic for everybody involved.

The concept that opened my eyes to this was Steve Chandler’s expectations versus agreements.

For this shift in perspective, and other things, I’m ever grateful to Steve. He probably saved my relationship and if you’re unfamiliar with the idea, let me help you save yours.

Steve himself

Steve Chandler is a master-coach, teacher, and author of 30+ books on a range of topics like personality, motivation, and building a coaching practice (including the classic-amongst-coaches ‘The Prosperous Coach’).

Drawing on his own experience with failure, Steve seemingly has never seen an armchair. Pointing out how he’s on the learning path himself whenever he can, and never missing an opportunity to praise his own coach.

He has a knack for explaining how we behave on autopilot most of the time, without realizing what’s at the root of our problems. His books are full of empowering, clarifying observations that you can’t unsee. 

Having been called a combination of Jerry Seinfeld and Anthony Robbins, Steve is self-aware, unorthodox, and very funny (in a dry-humor, self-deprecating sort of way). In short, Steve’s an interesting guy, not only for coaches.

I’m going to share one simple but transformational insight of his that has the power to transform how you interact with others. I see it as the foundational people-skill that everybody needs, but if anything it will make your life easier and way more fun.

You can thank us later.

Expectations versus agreements

When we relate to other people in our lives we only have two choices. To have expectations of them, or to create agreements with them.

In his book ‘Crazy Good’, Steve gives an example of being hired by a manufacturing company with ‘low morale’ problems in their factory. Turns out the factory managers were ‘walking around expecting things’ from their workers all day, instead of having conversations about what was needed.

When Steve asked the managers what their agreements with the workers were, he received blank stares and comments like: ‘They knew it was supposed to be ready by Friday!’

Don’t we all go through life like that, expecting things from others? I certainly did. I was expecting my girlfriend to fill our water filter every time. Without discussing it even once.

We generally keep our wants and likes to ourselves, instead of voicing them to the people concerned. Silently expecting things, only to be disappointed when they don’t pan out. There’s a better way.

This is how Steve differentiates between expectations and agreements.

Expectations:

• Expectations are toxic for relationships, because they imply superiority. Nobody likes living up to other people’s expectations. We inherently rebel against them as humans. 

• Expectations are fear-based. They lead to anxiety, disappointment, and negative judgments of other people.

• It is actually cowardly to expect things from other people, because it’s putting the responsibility on them. Choosing blame over taking responsibility.

• Only two things can result from having expectations, you’re either disappointed or you feel neutral (because it went how you expected).

Agreements:

• Agreements are creative, conversational, and mutual. Two people negotiate and design an agreement together.

• Agreements are preventative. They allow people to ask for help and identify roadblocks beforehand instead of fixing ‘unexpected’ things later.

• People will work hard to keep their word. People love honoring agreements they co-authored with you.

• Agreements make difficult conversations easy. They’re no longer about personal wrongdoing but purely about the agreement itself. Not honoring an agreement is an opportunity to improve it together. ‘How can we make this airtight?’

I was clearly complaining.

Standing in the kitchen, talking under my breath to the water filter. Voicing my expectations to an inanimate object.

Complaining about other people (even to a water filter) is a clear sign that we have expectations and that we’re avoiding the conversations that would create agreements.

“If you don’t like a situation, go create an agreement that changes it. Do not simmer in the toxic juices of your own expectations.” — Steve Chandler

And I was simmering.

It takes guts though. Moving away from expectations and towards agreements is putting the responsibility back on ourselves.

Interestingly, our complaints can be a great starting point. As long as you translate them into requests and engage in a (possibly difficult) conversation. In my calmest moment, I ended up asking my girlfriend: ‘When the water filter is empty, and you’re aware of it, could you alert me to it so I can fill the (damn) thing?’

Back to Steve

I look up to Steve Chandler for many reasons. He is unapologetic, direct, and provocative. A fresh voice in an otherwise often bland coaching world.

Above all, he practices what he preaches. Squelching the misconception that coaches have it all figured out. On the contrary, we’re knee-deep in the process of figuring it out all the time. Hence being the best role-models for our clients and needing coaches ourselves (and by the way, everybody needs a coach).

I’m grateful for his work in figuring this one out. Expectations vs agreements is, once you see it, so clear and obvious. And yet most of us walk around all day expecting things, poisoning our relationships, talking to water filters.

Well, not me. Not anymore.

Thanks Steve.