I love how you mirrored the Steve Chandler way through your own writing, the authenticity of your own story, the vulnerable sharing, and praise of your own coach. I also learned that I shouldn't expect you to do it again. ha ha. But seriously, this expectation/agreement thing has some fuzzy edges for me. I think I get the basic principle and the list of differences was useful, but for instance, I've come to expect this caliber of thoughtful writing from you, but feel that you yourself have set that expectation in place by the reliability of what you deliver. You titled your publication "The Conversation Starter" which I take as a clear signal of intent to spark dialogue, which can't happen unless your reader agrees to respond with their take on your ideas. And so I do. Have we fallen into a useful agreement then? It feels creative, conversational, and hopefully mutual. Can the dance of living from agreements happen almost subliminally as a natural effect of emotionally intelligent exchanges? Or am I missing the point—and it's something more explicit and clearly defined by two people? I feel that my own 20 year marriage is a multilayered montage of successful agreements we've never talked about, the toxic expectations you mention we've eventually had to unravel, and many other engagement zones that are a mix of the two. Money was a very big swamp of indistinct expectments and agreementations. We've recently come to some agreements that have improved our interactions in this area 1000%. This is very interesting to reflect on. Thanks again for the "inner conversation" starter. : )
The way I take Steve’s discernment to heart is really simple. If I become aware of having self-talk where I’m complaining about someone else (i.e. having expectations), a bell goes off. And I either talk about it or examine the root and validity of the complaints I have.
Not to say that, as you point out, these thoughts always have to be voiced out loud. If the feelings are strong enough though, I do try to make the effort to articulate them and open a conversation, even if the agreement ends up to be ‘agreeing to disagree’, it still trumps being silently angry or indignant.
I like what Steve points out In his book: ‘when complaints aren’t converted into requests they turn into resentments. And soon those turn into irreconcilable differences.’
Another thing that really jumped out about your comment is the 1000% improvement in the money swamp (I do resonate with that and I bet many do). I guess there are some areas in life that are more sensitive than others, probably making it harder to take the step from expectations to agreements. If we’re even aware of our expectations;)
I really like the ‘inner conversation starter’ btw :)
Thanks, this quote - "when complaints aren’t converted into requests they turn into resentments. And soon those turn into irreconcilable differences." is actually super helpful and clarifies the key point for me.
As I step into a new level of relationship with my grow(n)ing children this concept of expectations vs agreement is incredibly timely. Thanks Ric! (And Steven Chandler)
Thanks Karena. As far as relationships go, the ones with your children might be the ones that evolve the most over time I suspect. I'd love to hear how you tackle the steps from expectations to agreements in the years to come ;)
This was so great Rik! I want to look at more situations in my life and see where there may be an expectation vs an agreement (I already know it'll be a lot). Loved to see the evolution of this piece!
Thanks Michelle! Your presence in our conversation helped me mold and refine this idea and I suspect that that same presence will be of great benefit to you in crafting those agreements in your life ;)
I love this bit the most. It's a rewiring-my-brain moment. And of course, the water filter moment is very memorable. Expectations are toxic for relationships, because they imply superiority. Nobody likes living up to other people’s expectations. We inherently rebel against them as humans. Agreements are creative, conversational, and mutual. Two people negotiate and design an agreement together.
"He probably saved my relationship and if you’re unfamiliar with the idea, let me help you save yours." Now that's what I call a hook! And the best part is you deliver on it. Can see myself as an over-expecting and under-agreeing partner - thanks for the nudge in the right direction, Rik.
Thanks John. As always you've been an essential supporter in clarifying this piece. You give a great example of how to take Steve's idea and reflect on it in your own life.
I love how you mirrored the Steve Chandler way through your own writing, the authenticity of your own story, the vulnerable sharing, and praise of your own coach. I also learned that I shouldn't expect you to do it again. ha ha. But seriously, this expectation/agreement thing has some fuzzy edges for me. I think I get the basic principle and the list of differences was useful, but for instance, I've come to expect this caliber of thoughtful writing from you, but feel that you yourself have set that expectation in place by the reliability of what you deliver. You titled your publication "The Conversation Starter" which I take as a clear signal of intent to spark dialogue, which can't happen unless your reader agrees to respond with their take on your ideas. And so I do. Have we fallen into a useful agreement then? It feels creative, conversational, and hopefully mutual. Can the dance of living from agreements happen almost subliminally as a natural effect of emotionally intelligent exchanges? Or am I missing the point—and it's something more explicit and clearly defined by two people? I feel that my own 20 year marriage is a multilayered montage of successful agreements we've never talked about, the toxic expectations you mention we've eventually had to unravel, and many other engagement zones that are a mix of the two. Money was a very big swamp of indistinct expectments and agreementations. We've recently come to some agreements that have improved our interactions in this area 1000%. This is very interesting to reflect on. Thanks again for the "inner conversation" starter. : )
Thanks Rick.
The way I take Steve’s discernment to heart is really simple. If I become aware of having self-talk where I’m complaining about someone else (i.e. having expectations), a bell goes off. And I either talk about it or examine the root and validity of the complaints I have.
Not to say that, as you point out, these thoughts always have to be voiced out loud. If the feelings are strong enough though, I do try to make the effort to articulate them and open a conversation, even if the agreement ends up to be ‘agreeing to disagree’, it still trumps being silently angry or indignant.
I like what Steve points out In his book: ‘when complaints aren’t converted into requests they turn into resentments. And soon those turn into irreconcilable differences.’
Another thing that really jumped out about your comment is the 1000% improvement in the money swamp (I do resonate with that and I bet many do). I guess there are some areas in life that are more sensitive than others, probably making it harder to take the step from expectations to agreements. If we’re even aware of our expectations;)
I really like the ‘inner conversation starter’ btw :)
Thanks, this quote - "when complaints aren’t converted into requests they turn into resentments. And soon those turn into irreconcilable differences." is actually super helpful and clarifies the key point for me.
Guess I'll put it in the next piece on Steve ;)
As I step into a new level of relationship with my grow(n)ing children this concept of expectations vs agreement is incredibly timely. Thanks Ric! (And Steven Chandler)
Thanks Karena. As far as relationships go, the ones with your children might be the ones that evolve the most over time I suspect. I'd love to hear how you tackle the steps from expectations to agreements in the years to come ;)
This was so great Rik! I want to look at more situations in my life and see where there may be an expectation vs an agreement (I already know it'll be a lot). Loved to see the evolution of this piece!
Thanks Michelle! Your presence in our conversation helped me mold and refine this idea and I suspect that that same presence will be of great benefit to you in crafting those agreements in your life ;)
This made me laugh out loud because it hit home, hard.
This is so good. Thanks for sharing a bit of Steve Chandler with us!
Thank you so much Rebecca :) What specifically did you like (of Steve's or the article)?
I love this bit the most. It's a rewiring-my-brain moment. And of course, the water filter moment is very memorable. Expectations are toxic for relationships, because they imply superiority. Nobody likes living up to other people’s expectations. We inherently rebel against them as humans. Agreements are creative, conversational, and mutual. Two people negotiate and design an agreement together.
Agreed ;) I think you point to the core difference in attitude between the two that Steve describes.
"He probably saved my relationship and if you’re unfamiliar with the idea, let me help you save yours." Now that's what I call a hook! And the best part is you deliver on it. Can see myself as an over-expecting and under-agreeing partner - thanks for the nudge in the right direction, Rik.
Thanks John. As always you've been an essential supporter in clarifying this piece. You give a great example of how to take Steve's idea and reflect on it in your own life.