Befriend your parts

The ninth newsletter is (mainly) about internal relationships

Do you ever feel like you’re not yourself?

You get cut off in traffic and suddenly find yourself shouting horrible words into your windshield. If you could see a video of yourself right there and then you would be ashamed and probably wouldn’t even recognize yourself.

When you see other people losing their shit like that you always think: ‘I would never do that, I would never melt down on my kid like that lady in the supermarket’.

And the next moment you’re the one acting out.

You aren’t a very compassionate person screaming like that, whilst normally, you really are.

Who’s leading?

Continuing from the last newsletter, where I started to outline the ‘Internal Family Systems model’ (IFS); we have this multiple mind, consisting of all kinds of different parts and our (true) Self.

The Self in IFS is written with a capital S to distinguish it from the common use of the word self, meaning our whole self. In IFS the whole self includes our Self plus all of our parts.

So, how do these parts function and when exactly does the Self get involved?

When we’re our ‘normal’ calm and compassionate self, the Self is in control of our system. Regulating our thoughts, emotions, and actions. But when we get triggered by something in our environment, one of our parts can take over in an effort to ‘protect’ us. Usually by displaying an entirely different set of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, that aren’t so helpful.

In IFS this is called ‘blending’, meaning the part is indistinguishable from the system and the Self. It’s as if we’re looking through different eyes, feeling different feelings.

We can also ‘unblend’. Separating the part from the system and giving our Self control again. This is called: leading from Self. We can feel this because we’re calm, creative, and compassionate again.

So do we always want our Self to be leading? Not necessarily.

Parts are naturally good, resourceful, and positive and blending is a natural state. They can play a creative, resourceful, and supportive role as well. The trouble comes when the part is carrying a burden and it has been put in an extreme (and unnatural) role.

Unburden

From the last edition:

“this part is now carrying a burden (a set of extreme beliefs and emotions). And until this burden is released, the part will keep ‘protecting’ you even when you grow up and don’t need protecting anymore. This is how trauma would show up later in life, through an IFS lens.”

When you’re triggered and have a meltdown, that’s one of your parts stepping in and taking control. Because it believes you still need to be protected. This part has been carrying these beliefs since the traumatic event occurred and it gets sort of frozen in time. Believing that you’re still that young person, unable to protect yourself.

So how do we work with these burdened parts?

When we are in our curious, compassionate state (Self), we have the ability to channel that curiosity and compassion towards our hurt parts. To get to know them, find out what happened to them, maybe even put an arm around their shoulders at some point.

After years of misunderstanding, ignoring, and avoiding these parts, even just acknowledging them is an important and profound first step we can take.

Just like real life (with other real people) is about managing and improving our relationships, befriending our parts will ultimately heal them and relieve them of their burdens. So they can return to their original, valuable, and supportive states.

And you won’t be spitting your windshield full of rage, or flipping out on your toddler like a crazy person.

Confusing the part for the burden

IFS isn’t the only system that acknowledges the idea of a multiple mind. In other therapies and coaching models that talk about sub-personalities, the idea is often to conquer them. To go to war with them and to push them down, so you can be less bothered by them. They’re seen as saboteurs.

A crucial difference between these models and IFS is the empathy for parts and the realization that they’re natural, good and the system is one whole interconnected system.

“When you assume the part is the burden, it makes sense to go to war against it inside. And when you go to war against parts, you go to war against people. Most of our field and our culture has assumed that the part was the burden. This distinction is huge.” — Richard Schwartz

IFS takes an important stance: our parts are all good and well-intentioned. Some of these parts have ‘taken one for the team’ and have been carrying these burdens for us to protect us from trauma. Trying to push down (or even just avoid) these parts is adding insult to injury.

Instead the model shows us how to get curious and build a relationship with our parts, like you would with a child or family member.

And it starts by listening to them.