‘Just be yourself’.
It’s the commonly touted advice every socially awkward person has heard many times when faced with a challenging social situation.
Not only is this bad advice for fixing your ‘party anxiety ‘(as if it’s a switch you can just flick), it’s bad advice because it implies being yourself is something we should aim for in general.
We shouldn’t. We should aim for a new and improved self. The person we aspire to be, but aren’t yet.
If you want personal growth and healthy relationships: don’t be yourself.
Taking (time to) aim
When I think back ten years, and bring to mind the person I was then, I don’t even recognize myself. And I’d much rather be the current me. I’ve grown immensely. Physically, mentally, socially, emotionally, financially. Algorithmically?
The driving force behind my personal growth during these years has without a doubt been having an aim. Having a clear picture of who I want to be. Healthy, lots of friends, emotionally and financially stable. Without this picture, I wouldn’t have taken the necessary steps to get here. Let alone get my algorithms in order.
During my coach-training, one of the first and most profound things I learned was how to take a client through a long-term vision for their life. Usually a longer session where we went digging for the gold. Not stopping until we fully zoomed out and got a grip on the most important stuff in their life.
I would ask them things like, what are the most important things in life to you? What kind of person do you want to be in the world? What are you aiming for with all your efforts?
Apart from helping clients set their ‘visions’, I started setting them for myself. Something that was new to me and that I’d never attempted in twenty years of adulthood.
It struck me that we rarely (if ever) take the time to do this for ourselves. Taking the time to aim. When do we sit down for a minute and ask ourselves a simple question like: ‘what do I want’?
Aiming at the person you want to be is essential for personal growth. Even if you don’t reach that exact destination, it will pull you in an intentional direction versus a random one. How will you know if you’re off track if you don’t know there is one?
Your words create your personality
“Some people use language to describe the lives they lead, and other people use language to create the lives they lead.” ― Steve Chandler
What we say, to ourselves and others, builds our personality over time. It determines whether we aim up or stagnate.
When I was at my lowest point, I was used to internal language (thoughts) that confirmed and reinforced who I was at the time. I was exceptionally good at describing the current situation. I’m not good at making money, I’m unhealthy, I don’t have the skills to bla bla bla. Looping around in my mind all day, keeping me stuck there.
Only when I started asking questions about what or who I could be, and started imagining new versions of myself, did I start making progress.
The words we use matter when we communicate with others, but more importantly, they matter because we hear (and often believe) them ourselves.
New and improved
“You're under no obligation to be the same person you were 5 minutes ago.” ― Alan Watts
Trying to be ourselves keeps us stuck where we are, while aiming at our desired self propels us forward. So instead of clinging to a familiar, old self that’s no longer relevant, let’s aspire to be a not-yet-manifested version of ourselves.
Who you are is an ungraspable, ever changing, and ever developing thing.
So don’t be yourself, aim for a new self.
Another useful challenge of self-help popularism Rik. I wrote an article a while back saying that "act confident" was bad advice, for similar reasons. Confidence is earned over time by being willing to stumble vulnerably and perhaps nervously forward into the unknown, not by pretending that we already have it. If I understand what you're saying, we can't just be ourselves when we don't yet know ourselves, and a large part of knowing ourselves is having self awareness of that inner pulse of our aspirations, intentions, and aim. If your aim is be an exceptional conversation starter, it's working for me.
Loved this unique perspective Rik. Great read!
"Aiming at the person you want to be is essential for personal growth," is such an important idea. I've thought a lot about "aiming up" both at a macro level, in terms of my direction in life, but also on a micro level, in the little decisions I make each day.
It's such a powerful idea to improve your internal self talk. Recently, I've been experimenting with literally talking out loud to myself in the 3rd person to try to reinforce positive beliefs.
Amazing essay Rik. Really enjoyed this :)