Rick, “Listening to understand rather than listening to respond.”
So beautiful.
This is the essence of connection, which is the essence of life.
“Understanding” as a response, IS the response. And it would seem a response by simply understanding, it is a response from our heart vs a response from our head or our ego.
How can I tell if I’m responding by simply understanding? I’m asking questions rather than making statements.
Steven Covey says “most people listen with the intent to respond, as opposed to listening to understand”. I like your fresh take in applying it to the world of Zoom!
This same essay could be delivered, as is, for a meeting of therapists, coaches, parents, or improv performers. So much useful human stuff in here regarding connection and communication. And also many parallels to writing not only from conversation, but as a form of conversation. "The main thing I learned was that to be able to respond well, you have to stop thinking about your response." This exact lesson helps me so much when I want to leave a comment on an article like this. When you've been given value you don't need to know what you'll say after hitting the comment button, you just spill the truth of how you were touched or inspired.
Do you feel there's also a timing or immediacy to that? For me at least there is. Waiting or pausing to respond, when it is still natural (in the spilling fashion) usually results in me not doing it (or having to think too hard about it). There's a Dutch saying which translates to something like "procrastination leads to cancellation", this rings very true for me. This response for example was written the minute I read yours.
Yes! Exactly. It comes down to treating the written word like an actual conversation, where if someone said something to you face to face you wouldn't walk away and do the dishes, the laundry, have lunch—and then go back to respond to their last statement. You'd trust that your first thought is the best thought. Love the Dutch saying. Very accurate.
Great example, you wouldn't walk away. Funny enough in non-written conversations I wouldn't even care to sound stupid, so why written feels different is a little bit of a mystery to me. Maybe the definitive nature of it adds a layer of overthinking?
I guess if all of our real life conversations were recorded and viewable by the rest of the world that would certainly change the nature of them. Maybe that's the key to the hesitation with writing, is that we're visible to the entire human tribe. But much the same thing goes on with public speaking to groups. The larger the potential audience the more we hesitate to just be ourselves perhaps. You've mentioned in the past about feeling a block with commenting, but it seems like you're working past it. What is helping you most to do that?
Don't know, not something quickly identifiable… Although my aim for writing has recently shifted more towards finding an audience so it could be that (subconsciously) I'm more open to it.
That makes sense. I guess that might be the end of this exchange. I was wondering if we might be at the start of the longest conversation thread ever exchanged on Substack, which would be fitting for The Conversation Starter. If you haven't done a piece yet on guaranteed ways to quickly bring an abrupt end to a conversation it would seem a fitting, and perhaps humorous, topic to cover.
Hi Rik! For someone who sees a lot of people every day in my line of work this is a great reminder. My takeaway lesson for today is the line “Listening to understand rather than listening to respond” as I find myself doing the latter a lot (like oh no, it’s my turn to speak!! What should I say!!) as it increases the spontaneity of the conversation, which helps with rapport, rather than a rote response which I think the other person can feel.
Hey Clare! We all do it, because our mind tends to wander. But this shift helps me largely overcome that. It puts the focus on them (instead of whatever i'm thinking about). I've noticed that it can almost be treated as a 'puzzle' of sorts. Since we're not always going to be naturally curious about what someone says (which is fine), trying to understand their point is still an engaging way to listen more deeply. And for me it naturally results in not worrying about what to say anymore (because I'm busy trying to understand them). Sounds like you're in a great position to experiment with this ;)
Rick, “Listening to understand rather than listening to respond.”
So beautiful.
This is the essence of connection, which is the essence of life.
“Understanding” as a response, IS the response. And it would seem a response by simply understanding, it is a response from our heart vs a response from our head or our ego.
How can I tell if I’m responding by simply understanding? I’m asking questions rather than making statements.
Thank you for this. 🙏
Very true James. Heart-driven responding it is then ;)
Steven Covey says “most people listen with the intent to respond, as opposed to listening to understand”. I like your fresh take in applying it to the world of Zoom!
Need this reminder weekly!
Haha, I think you're doing just fine ;)
This same essay could be delivered, as is, for a meeting of therapists, coaches, parents, or improv performers. So much useful human stuff in here regarding connection and communication. And also many parallels to writing not only from conversation, but as a form of conversation. "The main thing I learned was that to be able to respond well, you have to stop thinking about your response." This exact lesson helps me so much when I want to leave a comment on an article like this. When you've been given value you don't need to know what you'll say after hitting the comment button, you just spill the truth of how you were touched or inspired.
Do you feel there's also a timing or immediacy to that? For me at least there is. Waiting or pausing to respond, when it is still natural (in the spilling fashion) usually results in me not doing it (or having to think too hard about it). There's a Dutch saying which translates to something like "procrastination leads to cancellation", this rings very true for me. This response for example was written the minute I read yours.
Yes! Exactly. It comes down to treating the written word like an actual conversation, where if someone said something to you face to face you wouldn't walk away and do the dishes, the laundry, have lunch—and then go back to respond to their last statement. You'd trust that your first thought is the best thought. Love the Dutch saying. Very accurate.
Great example, you wouldn't walk away. Funny enough in non-written conversations I wouldn't even care to sound stupid, so why written feels different is a little bit of a mystery to me. Maybe the definitive nature of it adds a layer of overthinking?
I guess if all of our real life conversations were recorded and viewable by the rest of the world that would certainly change the nature of them. Maybe that's the key to the hesitation with writing, is that we're visible to the entire human tribe. But much the same thing goes on with public speaking to groups. The larger the potential audience the more we hesitate to just be ourselves perhaps. You've mentioned in the past about feeling a block with commenting, but it seems like you're working past it. What is helping you most to do that?
Don't know, not something quickly identifiable… Although my aim for writing has recently shifted more towards finding an audience so it could be that (subconsciously) I'm more open to it.
That makes sense. I guess that might be the end of this exchange. I was wondering if we might be at the start of the longest conversation thread ever exchanged on Substack, which would be fitting for The Conversation Starter. If you haven't done a piece yet on guaranteed ways to quickly bring an abrupt end to a conversation it would seem a fitting, and perhaps humorous, topic to cover.
Hi Rik! For someone who sees a lot of people every day in my line of work this is a great reminder. My takeaway lesson for today is the line “Listening to understand rather than listening to respond” as I find myself doing the latter a lot (like oh no, it’s my turn to speak!! What should I say!!) as it increases the spontaneity of the conversation, which helps with rapport, rather than a rote response which I think the other person can feel.
Hey Clare! We all do it, because our mind tends to wander. But this shift helps me largely overcome that. It puts the focus on them (instead of whatever i'm thinking about). I've noticed that it can almost be treated as a 'puzzle' of sorts. Since we're not always going to be naturally curious about what someone says (which is fine), trying to understand their point is still an engaging way to listen more deeply. And for me it naturally results in not worrying about what to say anymore (because I'm busy trying to understand them). Sounds like you're in a great position to experiment with this ;)
and a challenge to make work more enjoyable! 😆