Personal language
Finding people that speak to us
English is not my native language, but it’s a close second.
Books, media, and education. Coaching, teaching, and writing. Everything I consume and create is in English.
Despite my fluency, there have been many moments when ideas or information simply didn’t get through to me. Not because of my non-nativeness (the same thing happens in my native Dutch), but because of my personal language.
How we see the world influences the way we interpret things. It impacts how we listen, the meaning we attribute to words, and what we understand.
Simply not every person speaks our language and finding one who does can take some effort.
The entry point
I had been aware of the benefits of meditation for years. Stress reduction, improved mental health and focus, I wanted all of those.
But as soon as people start talking about following strict rules according to some tradition, or mandatory beliefs, I’m out. Because I didn’t vibe with this meditation ‘world’ I first encountered, I never got into the practice.
It seemed like nobody in the space spoke my language, but I continued looking for someone that did. When I finally found some sources that did speak to me, folks like Sam Harris, Forest Fein, and others, I got into the habit quickly, and never looked back.
Unsurprisingly their description of meditation was down to earth, practical, and free from religious undertones and mystical traditions. My language indeed.
Being interested in a topic doesn’t mean it’s easy to get into. I clearly needed to find the right entry point to get into meditation.
Like going on a city trip and checking out the ‘highlights’ on a tourist bus versus knowing a person who lives there who can show you their hidden hangouts. The whole city opens up to you because you know a local.
It’s the same in other domains. There are many fields that I’m curious about that I don’t yet have access to. The information is out there, but the entrance is obscured. Finding the right guide is the challenge.
Personal language
Everyone is wired differently. We all have different brains, different experiences, and different types of analyzing and understanding the world.
Some of our beliefs, ideas, and convictions fit closely to some people, but not others. The more we are alike in those, the easier it is to convey concepts.
We fool ourselves thinking that, if we speak the same (native) language, we should be able to understand each other. Granted, it will work better than speaking two different ones, but it’s no guarantee for understanding.
Misunderstanding is often caused by a mismatch between two people’s personal language. When things aren’t getting through, the signal and receptor are incompatible. Even if both parties are speaking English.
It’s a rare and wonderful feeling to find a person who you deeply resonate with. Especially when they can explain something clearly to you and you actually understand them, because you’re on the same page.
And it’s worth the search.
If a subject is over your head, it’s not you. You just haven’t found the right person to explain it to you yet. People who fit your frame of reference will be out there, let’s just hope they don’t speak Dutch.
I loved this Rik: “If a subject is over your head, it’s not you. You just haven’t found the right person to explain it to you yet.”
Hey Rik, There's a both/and quality in conversation that is endlessly fascinating to me. As Rick Lewis is saying, there's a two-way signal; I would add that it appears to spiral in both directions. My thumbnail for this phenomenon is that the quality of speaking invites the quality of listening invites the quality of speaking, invites the quality of listening, ad infinitum. At any point in the spiraling, a deepening in one quality invites the other to deepen. Sitting with a client in therapy, if I notice my mind wandering, I listen more closely, to what my client is saying (and expressing) in the moment, and I'm better able to differentiate familiar pattern from emergent creative adaptation, to which I can respond. When I find myself asking a question or making a comment that surprises me (free association invites free association...) I listen more closely to my inner experience to discern what's emergent, creative, the juice of the moment. Most often, the felt sense of it is non-verbal, a gentle joyful humming in my chest and belly. With some clients, this phenomenon of deepening, widening, shared presence and understanding can be observed and appreciated directly, mutually. Right now I'm feeling it as I wander among your essays and the comments of our fellow writers... This is the current I want to ride. Thank you!