The physics of reflection
Why questions are overrated… technically speaking
As a professional coach, I can tell you that asking questions is only the second-best way to help someone unlock a realization.
There is another, lesser known communication tool that easily blows asking questions out of the water when it comes to helping people get unstuck, figure out what they really want, and solve their own problems.
I’ll show you.
Using a question:
Client: “I can’t do this project because I’m too busy.” Coach: “What are you working on that’s taking up so much time?” Client: “Well, I got assigned an extra project at work, and the kids have soccer, and the car broke down...”
The alternative:
Client: “I can’t do this project because I’m too busy.” Coach: “Your schedule is physically impossible right now.” Client: “Well... not impossible. I think I’m just prioritizing the wrong things or maybe I’m just avoiding starting.”
In the first version, using a question, we got logistics. In the second, the client heard their own logic played back, realized it wasn’t the whole truth, and self-corrected immediately.
The coach didn’t steer. Didn’t add. The client just heard their own thinking.
This is the power of reflection.
How mirrors work
There are two assumptions that make people nervous about reflection.
They think they need to disappear and be totally neutral. Or be flawless and hit the mark exactly.
And just like a real mirror, when you look closer, these ideas fall apart.
The Silver
A mirror relies on one specific component: The Silver. Without the silver backing, a mirror is just glass. The light goes right through it. Nothing comes back.
To reflect well, you have to bring a point of view. You need observations, instincts, guesses. You need a core. The silver is the most valuable part, because it stops the light from going through and reflects it.
Reflection only works because you are there.
The Imperfection
We don’t realize it, but in a real mirror we don’t see an exact replica of ourselves. It is a flat, 2D representation of a 3D object. It reverses left and right. The glass has scratches, age marks, and imperfections.
You don’t have to get it exactly right. You are an authentic mirror. You have a “tint.” You have scratches.
The goal isn’t perfection. The goal is to provide a surface—imperfections and all—so that something bounces back, allowing the other person to see themselves in a new light.
Without question
Questions are our default.
As curious humans, interested in others, they’re the first thing we reach for.
Which is a shame, because there’s a better option for sparking insight, making people feel heard, and even getting more information out of people (if that’s what you’re after…).
Technically, a question adds something new to the conversation. You’ve suddenly pointed them into a direction you chose and it adds distortion to the signal. The other person has to leave their own stream of thought to follow yours. Which means they go sideways instead of deeper.
Reflection does the opposite. It just bounces back what’s already there. Cleanly. It says, without saying it: “Keep going. Tell me more about that thing you were just talking about.”
Not that you should never ask a question. Just less. Way less.
When I teach this in courses or workshops, I start with an exercise called “No Questions Allowed.” Ten minutes of conversation. But you can only reflect…
The reaction is always the same: panic. People feel naked without their questions.
But then they notice: the other person simply keeps talking. Even goes deeper. And they realize they don’t have to do anything except provide a surface for the other person to discover their own depth.
A friend of mine is currently attempting to go a full day without asking a single question. I’m sure he won’t hit 100%. But that’s not the point. He’s going to discover where in his life questions are just lazy habits.
And if you’re curious, just one conversation is enough to feel the difference.
If you want to get even more technical, here’s the 80/20 on the internal workings of questions and reflections.
Rik, thanks for this reminder. With my coach hat on I can more easily step into Reflections mode. It's when I'm with my partner, or friends that I find myself asking questions as they try to tell me something. I used to think that showed I was really interested. But the opposite is what's happening. They are derailed, as you say, their train of thought is disrupted and they feel sort of sideswiped, rather than listened to. I'm still working on this! :-) But the more I listen or simply reflect, the more they reveal.
…without a doubt reflective listening is one of the hardest and most important skills I have ever been introduced to…your metaphor is rich here also in many ways, it is important to see the mirror as true and false, and if we are to be one, to allow for our perfect imperfections (and those less than perfect)…i very much appreciate you sharing this knowledge, i am an oft questioning man, but i hope some day i am more certainly not that…