The real training begins now

How my eleven-month-old is teaching me how to coach

The worst thing you can do for someone’s intrinsic motivation is to praise them, specifically, praise them for their results.

Well-trained coaches know this. I’m a well-trained coach, and I know this.

I even have a very strong opinion on this. Although it’s debated amongst coaches and some don’t think it’s that bad of an idea. I disagree.

So why do I still fall into the ‘praise-trap’ when I hang out with my eleven months old daughter when she does something well or she succeeds at a task?

‘Good job’, I hear myself say. Exactly the thing I know I don’t want to say. But I blurt it out.

How can this be? I’m trained for this.

Affirmative

We want to help, we want to support, we’re coming from a good place. So we praise.

But by doing that, we are unintentionally not helping, accidentally unsupportive, and sadly, we’re doing it all wrong.

When we praise the result (both in a toddler and an adult) by saying something like: ‘great job’, ‘well done’, or ‘I’m impressed’, we make a few mistakes.

• We make it about us: [I think you did a] ‘great job!’ No matter if you were already happy to be working on this yourself, it’s impressive to me.

• We make it about the result: You receive praise when you succeed. But when you put in the same amount of energy and you don’t succeed (by our metrics) you don’t receive any. Signaling that results matter, not effort.

• We’re unhelpfully unclear: Instead of pointing to a certain quality, action, or intention that the person can acknowledge, we keep it vague. ‘Good job’ doesn’t say anything about the person, or their strengths.

There is something else we can do instead. It’s called an affirmation.

Simply said, an affirmation is a reflective statement that highlights someone’s strengths, efforts, or intentions.

So instead of saying: ‘wow, you did a really good job, I’m impressed’, an affirmation would sound something like: ‘Despite having a lot on your plate you’ve been persistent in your exercise habit.’ Or, ‘It took a lot of courage to stand up for yourself, and say no.’

If you want to try this yourself, here are some properties of a strong affirmation to consider:

• It’s a 'you' statement instead of an ‘I’ statement. ‘You persisted’ vs. ‘I’m impressed’.

• It’s an unconditional statement. As with all reflective statements, they don’t expect the other person to agree.

• They are specific and genuine vs. broad and generic.

• Don’t overdo it. One strong affirmation goes a long way. Quality over quantity.

The coaching hat

I have many conversations during the day. And only some of them are coaching conversations. 

When I’m meeting a client for a session, I mentally prepare for it. Although I sometimes do some breath-work, this isn’t always an overly active process. There’s a general awareness that comes with an impending session. I know I’m going to be present, go in with a supportive attitude, and give them my full attention. I put on my ‘coaching hat.’

Many coaching traits have trickled into my personal life but apparently ‘affirmation vs. praise’ hasn’t fully landed yet. As if I haven’t been trained at all, I had to find this out by making the same mistakes with my daughter all over again.

But when do you ever go into a session with your child? Of course I behave differently around my daughter than around other people, but I hadn’t realized that I could bring more of what I already knew from coaching into this relationship. 

Up until now, I hadn’t been aware of the parenting role being so close to coaching.

Maria Montessori, a coach in disguise

I’ve only become aware of my ‘praising habit’ recently, when I started investigating the question of ‘how to best support my daughter in her development’ and quickly stumbled upon the rich and deeply resonating realizations of Maria Montessori.

So much of her work feels familiar, like something I already knew but hadn’t articulated yet (and wasn’t yet practicing…).

She speaks a lot about the negative effects of praise and why it should be used sparingly, let alone praising results.

Often, as parents, teachers, or even a ‘helpful’ friend, we think that we should be actively helping, teaching, instructing, or advising. Unfortunately this is often counterproductive. By telling them what the ‘solution’ is, we end up stealing their moment. Effectively preventing them from figuring it out by themselves and actually learning something.

It’s the same with praise. In the end, it’s not about us. We want to take our egos out of the equation. We want to get out of their way.

Montessori calls this ‘to not interfere’. We ‘interfere with our praise’ as she says. The child was doing perfectly fine, but we had to jump in and shower them with our compliments, breaking their concentration, breaking their authentic attempt, stealing their learning moment.

All parents are coaches

The reason I’m holding things like deep listening, an unconditional attitude, and affirmations vs. praise in high regard, is because I aim to support the personal growth of my clients. I would argue that this is even more important for parents.

In the sense that they should cultivate growth rather than telling their kids what to do, how to behave, and what is or isn’t a good job (it won’t work anyway, children copy what you do not what you say).

Whether it be children or clients (or employees, spouses, or anyone who’s growth you want to support), their autonomy and intrinsic motivation is paramount.

But even now, having gained this awareness, I’m not at all confident that when I go back into the living room that I won’t mess up right away when I see her perfectly placing her finger on my nose when I say the word ‘nose’.

Posing a great affirmation and refraining from praise is tough. Even though I practice a lot and I am getting better, it still doesn’t come natural to me and I really have to pull the brakes not to slip into this standard, cheerleading, parenting behavior.

There are no hacks it seems. And my daughter makes this painfully clear. No doubt I need more training, and she’s giving me all the chances I need.