We need to talk

How unspoken expectations quietly sabotage your relationships

Do you ever worry that a close relationship is quietly slipping away?

Most relationships don’t end with a dramatic fight like in the movies.

In reality, they fade. Slowly. Silently. You look back, and the closeness is gone—but you can’t quite put your finger on why it happened.

There’s a hidden cause at play here, something that quietly eats away at relationships without anyone noticing: unspoken expectations.

Unspoken expectations

They’re the silent killers of connection, slowly and imperceptibly sabotaging your relationships.

Without realizing it, we all have our own unspoken rules about how we want people to communicate with us. Maybe you expect a text back within an hour, or you assume someone will know when you need space. 

I used to have a pretty unreasonable communication rule myself: don’t bother me, but when I reach out, I expect an immediate response. Sound familiar? We all carry around these invisible rules, and then we get mad when others don’t follow them.

But how could they? We’ve never made them clear.

Whatever your particular set of ‘rules’ is, they live in your head but they never get communicated.

These unspoken expectations are silently sabotaging your relationships.

Over time, they create frustration, tension, and distance. It may be subtle and happen in small increments, but it adds up, and the worst part is that most of us don’t even realize it’s happening.

We scratch our heads wondering why things feel distant, and at the same time we get frustrated when people don't meet our unspoken needs.

We're essentially holding them accountable for conversations we've never had.

Why we drift apart

“Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.” — Neil Strauss

Think about the last time someone didn’t reply to your message right away.

Did you start making up stories in your head? ‘Maybe they don’t like me anymore. Are they mad? What an asshole for ignoring me.’ Then the reply finally comes: ‘Hey, work was hectic. What’s up?’ They had no idea you were expecting a quick response, and honestly, they didn’t owe you one.

All that self-inflicted drama, completely unnecessary.

But the real issue isn't just the mental gymnastics we put ourselves through. It's how these unspoken expectations quietly build invisible walls between us, leaving us feeling disconnected without knowing exactly why.

Maybe you start replying to their messages less promptly because you're annoyed, and they, in turn, feel ignored and pull back. Without a word exchanged, both sides begin to drift apart.

The easy route is to manage these expectations without directly addressing them. Some of us set email timers to delay responses, hoping to manage people’s expectations. Others stop reaching out altogether to avoid the frustration of unmet needs.

These workarounds might seem helpful, but they don’t fix the real problem. Unspoken expectations are still in control. They silently shape our feelings, slowly building up frustration and resentment.

Until you bring these unspoken rules into the open, they’ll keep steadily chipping away at your relationships.

Make the unspoken outspoken

Luckily, you can break this pattern. By turning unspoken expectations into explicit agreements, you can prevent your relationships from quietly unraveling.

And when I say ‘agreements,’ I don’t mean formal contracts. Just an honest conversation about how you communicate—a meta-conversation. A conversation you might be avoiding and wouldn't normally have, but also one where you both would finally get clear on what you actually want from each other.

Sure, it might feel a bit uncomfortable at first, but you’ll get over it quickly and what you'll gain from it is absolutely worth it.

I had one of these conversations with a friend recently. We’d been meeting on Zoom, but there was some unspoken discomfort around texting (that we both picked up on). She wanted more frequent messages; I didn’t want the pressure of responding quickly.

So, we talked about it.

In the end, we agreed: she could message me whenever she wanted, without feeling guilty. I could respond whenever I felt like it, without the pressure of an immediate reply (or any at all). Win-win.

We both felt relieved. That small conversation instantly removed any tension around communication, and our friendship became stronger. Win-win-win.

When you openly discuss your communication preferences—how often to message, what platform to use, or how long it might take to respond—you remove the guesswork. Everyone knows where they stand, which clears the way for real connection.

The power of speaking up

Unspoken expectations can slowly push relationships apart without most people noticing. Like countless tiny raindrops that, over time, carve a solid mountain into a deep canyon.

But realizing this is the powerful part. It means you can change it.

Once you bring these unspoken expectations into the open, it dissolves the built-up pressure. Removing the invisible barriers between you and the people you care about by making what the both of you want explicit.

Imagine feeling a sense of ease and understanding in your relationships. No more walking on eggshells, second-guessing, or talking under your breath. Instead, you can relax and be yourself, knowing you're both on the same page.

More than just removing tension, communicating from this clarity, opens you up to start building a deeper and more meaningful connection. Instantly.

Think about the peace of mind that comes from knowing where you stand with the people who matter most. That's what this type of conversation can bring.

When I started having these meta-conversations, everything improved. Relationships that used to have frustrating edges became more enjoyable and easy-going. We didn't change as people; we just agreed on how to communicate.

I no longer felt overwhelmed by constant notifications and no longer dreaded replying. Instead, I looked forward to connecting because our expectations were set. Our interactions were less complicated and more meaningful.

It's surprising how much one tiny but honest conversation can transform a relationship.

How to get started today

Ready to start making the implied explicit?

First, take a moment to reflect on the relationships that matter most to you.

Is there someone you feel you're drifting apart from? A relationship that isn't as close as it used to be? Maybe unspoken expectations about communication are part of the issue. It could be anyone—your partner, a friend, or even a colleague.

Next step, start a meta-conversation (a conversation about how you want to communicate). You don’t need to overhaul everything at once—just begin with one honest conversation.

Tell them how you like to communicate, and ask what works best for them. Then, find some middle ground.

Here are a few questions to get you started:

• How often should we stay in touch, and what's the best way—texts, Zoom calls, carrier pigeons?

• Are you glued to your phone, or is a delayed response your style?

• What's your typical day like? Are there times when you're off the grid?

By having this conversation, you’ll remove the guesswork and start to understand each other’s preferences more clearly. It might feel a little awkward at first, but afterward you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

Small adjustments can quickly lead to deeper, more meaningful connections.

Once I turned my unreasonable expectations into a conversation, everything changed.

By starting to talk about the stuff I thought was obvious, I've noticed my relationships feel a lot less like a mind-reading exercise. Turns out, it wasn't so obvious to everyone else.

Now, I spend less time wondering and more time actually connecting.