Why your communication skills aren’t evolving

Owning a toolkit won’t turn you into a craftsman

If you want to grow as a communicator, just learning communication techniques won’t help you.

They might even trick you into thinking you know what you’re doing, while you’re actually ill-equipped for real conversations.

Imagine someone who wants to learn to play the piano. Let’s say they read a book about music theory, memorize a few scales, and step onto a stage in front of an audience the next day.

What do you think will happen?

My guess would be tomatoes instead of applause…

Frustrated and discouraged, they retreat off the stage, convinced they’re ‘just not good at music.’

The same thing happens with communication skills. It’s easy to pick up a few sentence stems or read about a powerful technique, but when they don’t immediately work like we imagined, it’s just as easy to give up—disillusioned, not realizing the real problem isn’t us or the tools.

It’s how we approach learning them.

Scripts aren’t skills

In the age of self-help books and social media hacks, it’s easy to confuse knowing about communication skills with actually being skilled at them.

Consuming shorts, TikToks, and tasty tidbits of information feels productive and gives us a quick sense of accomplishment, convincing us we’ve learned something. But even if we retain a few concepts, they don’t help us in real-world situations if we stop there.

Memorizing a few ‘powerful’ questions or reading about active listening might feel like progress, but when the stakes are high—navigating conflict, pitching an idea, or responding with empathy to your child—just knowing about the tools falls short.

The problem lies in how communication skills are often presented—through scripts, tips, and techniques that are treated as quick fixes instead of stepping stones. Without practice and reflection, tools remain mechanical and inauthentic, often doing more harm than good.

On paper, the advice to ask powerful questions sounds transformative. But when you’re focused on ‘getting it right,’ the effort of recalling the exact phrasing pulls you away from authentic curiosity, instead of tapping into it.

Asking, ‘What’s important about that for you?’ might seem thoughtful, but when it’s delivered from a place of scripted effort rather than focused presence, it will lack the genuine curiosity it’s meant to spark. And people can feel it.

Communication isn’t just about what you say; it’s about who you are when you say it. And who you are isn’t something you can hack—it’s something you cultivate through deliberate practice.

Tools are the entry point, not the endpoint

To move beyond surface-level learning and prevent frustration or disillusionment, it’s essential to use tools and techniques for the right reason: to start cultivating an attitude.

For example:

• Asking powerful questions isn’t about memorization or perfect phrasing—it’s about embodying curiosity and wonder, genuinely wanting to understand the other person.

• Mirroring or reflecting isn’t just repeating the right words—it’s about practicing presence, staying fully attuned to the other person in the moment.

But maybe your natural curiosity, wonder, and presence (that you’ve always had and still have) have been buried for years beneath habits of distraction, judgment, or self-consciousness.

Mine were.

When I first started learning communication techniques (during my coach training), I thought memorizing the 'right' phrases or frameworks would be enough. But when I tried to use them in real-life conversations, they felt stiff and mechanical. Instead of building a connection, I ended up feeling more awkward and frustrated. And my conversation partners too.

At first, using these tools can feel stiff and deliberate, like sanding a rough piece of wood. Each pass of the sandpaper feels like barely making a dent, but over time, the surface transforms. What once felt clunky starts to feel smooth and natural.

The same is true for communication skills. The doing (using the tool) is only a step toward the being (embodying the attitude).

Through consistent practice and reflection, those early tools eventually became part of who I was. I stopped focusing on the techniques and started embodying the attitudes behind them—curiosity, presence, and empathy. That shift transformed not just how I communicated, but how I connected with people.

Tools and techniques are just the starting point. I think of them as training wheels, they help me get started, but they’re not meant to stay on forever.

After some practice, you stop thinking about how to ask the ‘right’ question or mirror the ‘right’ words. Instead, curiosity and presence flow effortlessly, because they’ve always been a part of you. The tools were simply a way to help you rediscover them.

Over time, the attitude becomes second nature, and the tool itself fades into the background.

They hurt more than they help

When tools are used without understanding the attitudes behind them, they feel empty and awkward—and they can even backfire. For example, saying ‘I hear you’ out of habit, without truly engaging, can come across as hollow and even dishonest.

Instead of building trust, poorly applied techniques can come across as insincere or even manipulative.

Worse, this creates a cycle of frustration: you try a tool, it doesn’t work, and you start to believe that communication skills themselves don’t work—or that you’re just not cut out for them. Over time, your confidence takes a hit and it harms relationships, leaving you feeling disconnected and doubting yourself.

It’s like practicing piano scales without understanding the music’s emotional core. You might hit the right notes, but without deeper intention, the performance feels shallow—and the audience feels it.

The benefits of internalizing

Internalizing these tools has completely transformed how I communicate.

I no longer overthink or stress about exact wordings. What I say comes from the attitude that I inhabit, the words are secondary.

Even in difficult interactions, I approach conversations with a calm, grounded confidence—not because I’ve memorized the ‘right’ phrases, but because I trust myself. These attitudes, cultivated through practice, feel natural now.

The effect on my relationships has been incredible. Building trust and connection feels easier than ever, and others sense my authenticity. Over the past few years, I’ve become a natural communicator—a stark contrast to how uncertain and awkward I used to feel before practicing and internalizing these skills.

Imagine walking into any conversation—whether it’s mediating a tense family discussion or advocating for yourself in a meeting—and feeling completely at ease.

You navigate difficult moments from a place of confidence, knowing you can handle them—not because you’ve memorized a technique, but because you’ve become the kind of person who communicates authentically and responds naturally.

From doing to being

The solution isn’t to throw out the tools altogether, it’s to use them as stepping stones toward natural authenticity. This process unfolds in three key steps:

• Start with tools: Use techniques as an entry point to guide your learning. Think of them as training wheels—they help you get started but aren’t meant to stay forever.

• Practice in a safe space: Deliberate practice, especially in a guided or supportive environment, allows you to make mistakes, refine your approach, and build confidence. This can be roleplaying with friends, seeking feedback from peers, or finding a practice-based course.

• Aim for attitude: Always connect the tool to the deeper mindset it’s designed to cultivate. As you practice, focus less on ‘doing it right’ and more on ‘being’ the kind of communicator who naturally embodies the intended attitude.

Real transformation doesn’t come from learning more tools. It comes from committing to the process of becoming the kind of communicator you want to be.

So that what you’re already doing turns into who you’re being.