A calm request

The thirtieth newsletter is about asking for what we need

When my girlfriend and I moved to our current place, we went from a small, dark apartment with a terrible landlord to a place that is twice as big, full of light, and is owned by the father of a friend. We love it here.

Our former home was small so we learned to use the space as efficiently as possible. We became expert household-organizers, and made it into a sport to use every little nook to the best of our ability. Being orderly was necessary to prevent living in chaos, so we made it happen.

Even though we have much more room now, our organizational habits have moved with us.

Our kitchen is tightly organized, like the inner workings of a Swiss watch, everything in its right place. Above the sink hangs a bar with the most used kitchen utensils. From left to right it goes: tongs, thermometer, silicone spatulas, wooden spatulas, different types of tongs, ladle, sieves, two types of scissors (one for food and one for non-food), and the dishwashing brushes.

I really like it this way. Exactly this way.

Water filters and scissors placement

As you could probably tell from newsletter 28 and the 'water filter incident’, I'm sometimes annoyed by little things. Tiny things. Things of which my girlfriend usually is the perpetrator (and the brunt…).

Well, this time, it was a misplaced kitchen item.

I was unpacking some groceries, and my hand went to reach for the (food) scissors, but to my surprise they weren’t there. They had been replaced by the other (non-food) scissors, but I didn’t need those thank you very much.

I went straight into indignation-mode: ‘why can’t she ever put those things back where they belong?’ ‘She always does this.’ ‘She just doesn’t care about me.’

This time though, I realized in the moment that this was a pretty big meltdown for such a small matter and that my language didn’t fit the supposed crime. The only reason I was aware of this was because I had been exposed to new ways of thinking about communication.

In the same newsletter (28) I explained how Steve Chandler helped me see that I was having expectations that were messing up my relationship and how I went from complaining about it to voicing a calm, careful and specific request to my girlfriend.

I wrote:

In my calmest moment, I ended up asking my girlfriend: ‘When the water filter is empty, and you’re aware of it, could you alert me to it so I can fill the (damn) thing?’

But how did I get there? What calmed me down and how was I able to articulate this request?

While Steve Chandler helped me see the light, it took another set of realizations (four to be exact) to get me to that calm request.

Rosenberg’s OFNR

Nonviolent communication is an approach to communication based on empathy and compassion developed by Marshall Rosenberg. He was a master at revealing unhelpful language and behavior, separating stories from facts, and pointing out practical ways to improve them.

The core of the approach is named after the acronym of its four components, observations, feelings, needs, and requests: OFNR.

When you find yourself in a situation of (possible) conflict with someone these can be seen as four steps to go through to improve your communication with them. I used them to translate my overreactive, unrealistic, hyper-frustration into a calm conversation about scissors placement.

Four steps to a calm request

It’s a little too easy to believe our own stories. We tend to mistake our own predictions and suspicions for the truth sometimes. I went from missing scissors straight to ‘my girlfriend doesn’t care about me’.

Instead of making up a story and running with it, we can choose to dial it back to what we can observe (everything we can pick up through our senses). This takes the sting out of the situation, helps us to calm down, and is the first step of the four.

Next, we pay attention to our sensations and emotions to discover what we are actually feeling (about the situation). We’re looking for real feelings here, not things like ‘she makes me feel disrespected.’ Rosenberg calls those ‘faux feelings’. Standing there in my kitchen, I felt frustrated and angry.

Our feelings will lead us to our needs, asking, what’s the underlying need that isn’t getting met here? In my case, frustration and anger were signposts of having a deeper need of being accepted and respected.

When we’ve taken the trouble to go through these first three steps, and we’ve calmed down a bit, articulating a request is the way to possibly find a way to meet our needs.

This is where the connection with Chandler’s idea of choosing agreements over expectations is the strongest. Carefully and calmly voicing our concerns and opening up a conversation, will lead to an agreement that is satisfactory for both people.

Rosenberg offers a few pointers for what language to use to form a great request. Using the present tense, phrasing it in the positive (asking for what we want, not for what we don’t want), and using ‘action language’ (asking for a specific behavior).

The most important test (to check if it’s really a request or actually a demand) is seeing how we respond when they say no. Being alright with a ‘no’ that means you’ve done it. You’ve articulated a calm request.

Well done.

If you’ll excuse me I’ll be off now, putting back my scissors where they belong.