Great read, Rik. It's an effective analogy you draw – particularly in the context of real life and how neither sex nor conversations are anything like in the movies.
Speaking of drawing, that's always struck me as a fairly good comparison to the art of conversation. People often say they can't draw. It's simply not true. What they really mean is they haven't yet learnt how to draw.
Drawing and conversing are skills you can learn. Not everyone has what it takes to be a Picasso, Hockney, or Escher, but we can all learn how to improve our ability to make marks on the page. The same goes for conversations. The difference, however, which you touch on brilliantly, is that few people recognise that communication skills are even something you could choose to study. Or that by applying yourself to work on them, you can gain a sense of mastery and happy engagement.
Thank you Simon, appreciate the encouragement and love hearing that this is resonating :)
I’m indeed always annoyed by the overly smooth sex scenes in movies (which as you’ve read gave me the idea for this intro).
I like the comparison to drawing and how uninitiated people will say they can’t do it. I see the same with playing music, people saying ‘I’m not musical’ or something ‘I can’t sing’.
In all three cases (conversations, drawing, and making music), I’d say that thinking ‘you’re not good at it’ is totally besides the point. As with every skill or craft, you’re on a path of practice, and getting better. There’s really no end goal, just progressing.
Maybe it’s the comparison to the Picasso’s of this world that people have in mind, falsely shutting down their efforts by comparison to an impossible and unnecessary ‘hero’ in the field.
And yes, seeing conversations as something that can be studied at all is an uncommon idea. It was for me too before I started training as a coach, and started to realize that coaches really are ‘conversation specialists’.
I'm not 100% sure but I think I heard somewhere that in some (Asian?) cultures that is what people tend to say. Like, instead of 'I play the piano' they would say 'I'm learning to play the piano', even if they're accomplished concert pianists. Again, not sure though :)
I enjoyed reading your piece. I love how you made the distinction of how unnatural natural interactions (sex and conversation) can actually be. Your piece made me think about all of the nuances that needs to occur in order to have a shared understanding.
I watched Black Swan with my mom. It was so awkward when an unexpected sex scene came up. That part is totally relatable.
Haha. Yes I clearly remember watching movies together with my parents when I was young, being extremely uncomfortable with even the sligthest nudity. It's interesting indeed to think about what is needed to truly understand each other, and I suspect we never really can. But paying closer attention to have I have conversations has definitely helped me getting closer.
Great read, Rik. It's an effective analogy you draw – particularly in the context of real life and how neither sex nor conversations are anything like in the movies.
Speaking of drawing, that's always struck me as a fairly good comparison to the art of conversation. People often say they can't draw. It's simply not true. What they really mean is they haven't yet learnt how to draw.
Drawing and conversing are skills you can learn. Not everyone has what it takes to be a Picasso, Hockney, or Escher, but we can all learn how to improve our ability to make marks on the page. The same goes for conversations. The difference, however, which you touch on brilliantly, is that few people recognise that communication skills are even something you could choose to study. Or that by applying yourself to work on them, you can gain a sense of mastery and happy engagement.
Thank you Simon, appreciate the encouragement and love hearing that this is resonating :)
I’m indeed always annoyed by the overly smooth sex scenes in movies (which as you’ve read gave me the idea for this intro).
I like the comparison to drawing and how uninitiated people will say they can’t do it. I see the same with playing music, people saying ‘I’m not musical’ or something ‘I can’t sing’.
In all three cases (conversations, drawing, and making music), I’d say that thinking ‘you’re not good at it’ is totally besides the point. As with every skill or craft, you’re on a path of practice, and getting better. There’s really no end goal, just progressing.
Maybe it’s the comparison to the Picasso’s of this world that people have in mind, falsely shutting down their efforts by comparison to an impossible and unnecessary ‘hero’ in the field.
And yes, seeing conversations as something that can be studied at all is an uncommon idea. It was for me too before I started training as a coach, and started to realize that coaches really are ‘conversation specialists’.
I love that concept of being on a path of practice. Instead of “I can’t sing”, maybe people should say “I’m getting better at singing.”
I'm not 100% sure but I think I heard somewhere that in some (Asian?) cultures that is what people tend to say. Like, instead of 'I play the piano' they would say 'I'm learning to play the piano', even if they're accomplished concert pianists. Again, not sure though :)
Really enjoyed this, Rik. My head hurts from nodding.
That's awesome Claire thank you for telling me :) I really enjoyed writing this one as well!
Hi Rik,
I enjoyed reading your piece. I love how you made the distinction of how unnatural natural interactions (sex and conversation) can actually be. Your piece made me think about all of the nuances that needs to occur in order to have a shared understanding.
I watched Black Swan with my mom. It was so awkward when an unexpected sex scene came up. That part is totally relatable.
Haha. Yes I clearly remember watching movies together with my parents when I was young, being extremely uncomfortable with even the sligthest nudity. It's interesting indeed to think about what is needed to truly understand each other, and I suspect we never really can. But paying closer attention to have I have conversations has definitely helped me getting closer.
One of your best articles yet.
That's awesome Rick. Thank you so much.