Don’t be yourself II

The twenty-seventh newsletter is about meeting each other half-way

Nobody likes a phony. We instinctively avoid people who are fake, sleazy, and disingenuous. We’re attracted to people who are authentic, genuine, and ‘themselves’. And that’s awesome. Yay for us.

But are we ever really ourselves? And if not, should we be?

In the previous edition, I talked about why the suggestion to ‘be yourself’ is bad advice. If life is about growth and if we want to become better versions of ourselves every day, it’s better to aim at a ‘new and improved self’. An aspirational, but not-yet-manifested version of ourselves.

Another area where ‘being yourself’ doesn’t work so well is communication.

When we are communicating with other humans (and soon possibly, robots) we’re in fact not being ourselves, and that’s a good thing.

Go with the flow

It can sometimes seem like there’s only one obvious, authentic, and genuine self. And if we stray from that ‘one true self’, we feel fake or disingenuous.

Maybe you’ve worried in the past, when you were a little overdramatic, overenthusiastic, or performative, that you weren’t really ‘yourself’. I certainly have. Where (I think) I’m regularly a very calm and considerate guy, I remember doing a workshop that I was super excited about, rambling on and on, talking people’s ears off.

When the session ended I snapped out of my excited state wondering, ‘Was that really me back there?’ ‘Was I being a little much?’ ‘I hope they don’t think I’m faking it.’

Changing your behavior (drastically) can seem like it’s moving away from your authentic self. But it isn’t necessarily.

In communication, we’re never truly ourselves. Communication is performative. This isn’t the opposite of having a spine, being authentic or genuine. This is the sign of good communication. 

Humans (not robots) are social creatures. We mirror, learn by copying, and socially blend in to connect better to our ‘tribe’.

If we wouldn’t, we would be sociopaths. Or assholes.

Language is collaboration

How we talk to a close friend versus a work-colleague is very different. We behave differently with our peers than our parents. With everybody we talk to, we use different words, different gestures, a different tone, possibly even a different accent. It’s almost as if we’re speaking a different language.

For example, when I speak to people whose first language isn’t English, and they have a thick accent, I tend to ‘go along’ a little bit. I choose different words, change my pacing and even my accent a little bit. I don’t do this to patronize, I don’t even do this consciously. It’s a natural thing to ‘reach out’ and meet the other person in the middle.

I remember when I was young, going on weeklong sleepovers at my nephew’s. He lived in a different part of the country, and had a very different accent. I know that to most people, all Dutch people sound like they’re coughing up a hairball, but trust me, there are nuances. Every time I came back from those trips, I had taken on a lighter form of his accent, just by being around him.

But it’s not only about words and accents. How we act, sound and even what we mean can change radically. Our whole attitude changes depending on the person we’re speaking to and the situation we’re in.

When we’re aware of and attuned to others, we reach for their meaning and reach out with ours. We try to understand what they mean and use words we think they’ll understand. Involving them in what we mean, double checking if they get it, and stretching our words (and our gestures) to the best of our abilities to communicate well.

How we communicate varies widely, and it all depends on the other person.

Loose and limber

Being performative when talking to someone, isn’t a bad thing. Changing your behavior to accommodate the person you’re communicating with is empathic, and a sign of a social animal looking for connection.

We don’t want to stretch too far, losing touch with the values that make us us. But stretching itself is vital. We should reach out, further than we might be comfortable with, to understand and work together better.

Being an overexcited, slightly too talkative version of yourself is one example of this. Telling a white lie is another. Or when your 6-year-old asks you about death and you want to be honest, but not totally honest.

Acting, performing, being someone else in every interaction.

All is allowed in order to thoroughly communicate. How will we find a point of connection otherwise?

If that makes me a phony, so be it.