The key to effective communication (you might be overlooking)

True connection requires more than speaking skills

Atomic Habits writer James Clear has this to say about effective communication:

“Communication is about what is received, not what is intended. If there is a gap between what you are saying and what they are hearing, you have to find a new way to say it.”

I disagree.

While it's valuable to strive for clear articulation, the effectiveness of communication hinges equally (if not more) on the listener.

If the recipient isn't fully engaged and listening with the intention to understand, no amount of refined expression will bridge the gap.

What is received depends heavily on the receiver.

In our quest to improve communication (which I’m all for), many of us focus on mastering the art of speaking, believing that better articulation will lead to success—stronger connections, more opportunities, and better relationships.

Public speaking courses are gaining popularity, organizations like Toastmasters remain in demand, and ‘effective feedback’ training is increasingly sought after in the corporate world.

But what if this very focus is causing more harm than good? What if, by prioritizing our own words, we’re missing the other half (the most critical part) of communication?

Unconscious agenda pushing

“You know that feeling you get when you’re saying something and you suspect the person you’re talking to isn’t actually paying attention, they’re just waiting for their turn to talk? We all know that feeling because we’re all guilty of it from time to time.” — Jimmy Carr

I’m absolutely, most definitely, very, very guilty of doing this. But!

I was much worse before I got trained as a coach.

Looking back, I realize that I was navigating the world with a specific but unconscious communication style—using whatever words and tactics seemed necessary to get what I wanted.

Whether it was using humor to deflect criticism, asking leading questions to guide the conversation, or framing suggestions as if they were others' ideas, I was unknowingly shaping every interaction.

And this is how most people use communication—as a means to an end. We want something from someone and we use communication to get it.

This can take many forms. Maybe we want validation or agreement, or we’re extracting a piece of information we need, or maybe we’re even manipulating people into taking a specific action.

Again, I know this because I did this myself and still catch myself doing it when I’m not consciously choosing to communicate differently.

When we communicate from a place of trying to get something, we aren’t listening. We’re pushing our agenda on our conversation partners.

It leads to misunderstanding, miscommunication, and pretty soon, misalignment. Eventually, our relationships break down—gradually, almost imperceptibly, but inevitably.

Dancing the tango

“Relationships, if you want them to work that is, aren't 50/50. They're 100/100. Which means that in practice, they're 100. Period.” — Daniel Maté

Articulation is important, but it has its limits.

No matter how well we express our thoughts, if the other person isn’t truly listening or making an effort to understand, chances are the message is lost.

Effective and connected communication requires more than just words, it demands that both parties reach for meaning. It's not enough to passively take in what’s said—we must actively engage with it. 

In this way, successful communication is less about perfect delivery and more about mutual effort and understanding.

We often think of communication as a bridge, where both sides meet halfway. But communication isn't a bridge; it's a tango—a dance between two partners.

If one partner gives only 50%, the rhythm stutters, steps are missed, and the entire performance collapses. For the dance to ‘succeed’, both partners must give their full 100%, moving together in perfect harmony.

Relationships are fundamentally mutual, like a dance, built on a foundation of give and take. This mutuality is essential for any relationship to thrive because it ensures that both people are seen, heard, and understood.

Effective communication reflects this dynamic.

They need you

What practicing coaching skills has taught me is to actively ‘reach for meaning’ and help others articulate what they mean. Instead of laying back and expecting someone else to do all the work.

If you frequently find yourself misunderstood or struggling to grasp others' points (a sign your relationships may already be strained), a simple shift in attitude—borrowed from coaching—could make all the difference.

It’s realizing that the first thing that comes out of someone’s mouth (including our own) is messy, unclear, and unintentionally unorganized.

Everyone who speaks needs your active involvement in the conversation to clarify their thoughts and uncover their true meaning, insights, and conclusions.

What they don’t need is for you to jump to conclusions, no matter how well-phrased.

They need space (silence), the invitation to explore (reflection), and maybe some inspiration (powerful questions).

That’s how you ‘reach’ for understanding, meaning, and ultimately, connection.

As thinking beings, we need to talk out loud to refine our thoughts. Initial ideas are rarely polished. Through dialogue, we clarify and sharpen them. By engaging in a conversation that allows for this unfolding, we help one another think through our ideas more clearly and arrive at what is truly meant.

The next time you're in a conversation, consider this: instead of focusing on your next (brilliantly phrased) point, why not hit pause on your own agenda and really tune in to what the other person is sharing?

Ask questions that invite deeper exploration and challenge yourself to understand their perspective before you chime in.

You might find that, by focusing on how you receive, you might just help close the gap between their intention and your understanding.